Somethin On My Mind

Drugs have made a very big input on my life... and others as well... because I was a drug user... i was shot in the head 2 times... and almost lost my life... it was not worth it... and i am thankful that i am still here to go on and finish my life... but some ppl are not so lucky... there has been a few deaths this year of ppl i know/knew... due to over dose... and now my moms ex is in the hospital ... his heart is not right... his liver is fucked... and is on blood thinners for the rest of his life... he also was diagnosed with emphysema... which makes it worse... not only that he had bronchitis... and i will be goin to visit him tonight... he has been in the hospital since friday last week... i hope that he makes it out ok... but u never know what can happen... and it will be hard to deal with if he does pass away... he was not a great person at times... but i can remember the good he had done for my mother and i... he took us in when we had no place to live... he made me go back to high school to finish my schooling... he tried to teach me how to respect him and others... but i was too old for him to teach me all of that... i was stuck in my own little ways... and i told him to go fuck himself more then a couple of times... but once i did get older .. i called him and cried to him one day ... i told him ... that i was sorry for ever being so mean... and i told him thank you for teaching me some things... its never too late to tell someone how u feel... and i hope that he knows that... i will re-assure him of all this when i visit him... cuz maybe this time he will listen to me... who knows... cuz i know that i was not listening to anyone b4 i got shot... maybe this time cuz he knows he is goin down... that he will listen... i pray that he will be ok...

SHITTY DAY

my day was so shitty... i lost a member of the family... i went thru a tough time dealing with access link... but thank god for family and my baby Matt... i love him soo much!!... he is the best... i just hope that he will be here for me thru more shit coming soon into my life.. i will be so stressed... i have school starting... i have a interview with a new job... i have alot goin on... and it sux... and i know my attitude will be horrible.. i just hope i can manage it around the ones who mean the most to me... but its hard to do that... cuz u know that when ur talken to ur loved ones the way ur not supposed to... u just know that u can say FUCK OFF and they will still be there when u say ur sorry... (and actually mean it... dont just say it)...

but yea... i needed to blog this b4 i forgot... thanks for all your support.. =/

THIS SUCKS!

well i owe SSI some money ... apparently they over paid me... and i feel that they fucked up and not me... so... now i need to see what i can do to fight that... maybe try to get a phone record from last year to prove that i called them... but idk how to go about that... but i will have my baby help me... like he always does... =)

its nice to know that i have someone in my life who puts up with all the bullshit... and still loves me the same from the first day... (i am daydreaming of our love maken rite now)... he is great!!... =) (cant wait for the clock to say 5!)

anyways... umm yea so that is goin on right now... and i am also supposed to be startin school very soon... i called them to see if i had everything.. which is probably too late to ask... but whatever... apparently there was somethin that someone seen when the admin dept was looking at my file... and sent me over to financial aid... but idk what is goin on... i need to find out.. i been haven like acid indigestion lately cuz of all this bullshit goin on... and me over thinkin things...

and i dont remember if i wrote that i am gettin surgery done on my knee... and idk how that is goin to be.... i am scared... but at the same time i will feel better knowing... so idk... anyways... i am goin to go... i will blog more later

life is hard

Well you would think your life is stable after 55 yrs... until 27 yrs at being in a company your boss tells you good-bye... how do u take that???... how does your family take that??... what do you say to that person beside tellin them that your there??

i have a lot of shit goin on in my life... i am tryn to get back into school... i took financial aid plus loans to help pay for school.. i am now in DEBT for the rest of my life... maybe if i land a good job with my major it will all pay for its self... and i will be good... we will see... ALSO i owe social security over $2,000 cause they over paid me.... and yea its my fault but its theres also... so i will try to fight it... if i cant they will get like $5 a mth from me.... until they give up... lol... (i just have to laugh)... AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT... i am getting surgery done on my knee October 2nd.... so that just puts me back more for a while... but i will possibly get better in the long run... who knows... i am just fed up with a lot of shit... i knew somethin was goin to happen to me.... to get me down.... i was waiting for it... and it happened... =(

not sure of things

idk y someone feels like they can throw shit in my face about what happened in my life 4yrs ago or more... if i dont rub shit in ur face that u have done to me... then y the hell would u do that to me??... yes i know i fucked up in my life... i know it took me 2 shots to the head with a 9mm to make me change... i know that i had my aunt and uncle to fall back on... and now a boyfriend... but i tried to tell this person who knocked me down... that i was proud of her... i believed she was doin the right thing... the only thing she did wrong was be around ppl who r NO FUCKING GOOD!!.. y put urself around these ppl who will only bring u down??... i understand that she has no other person to fall back on when she needs a ride to work... or a place to rest her head in peace... but at the same time ... u have a job... u can get to work on time if u take the bus routes right... and if u REALLY WANT TO DO IT U WILL!!!... DO NOT FUCKIN TELL ME ANY DIFFRENT!!... i know what i am talken about.... I BEEN THRU HELL AND BACK... but i am maken a better life for myself... yes because i have help... but also i PROVED to the ones who r helping me now that i DESERVE their help... i am NOT who i was 4 yrs ago!!... and the shit i put u thru... NO REVERSE THAT... WHAT ABOUT ALL THE DAMN SHIT U PUT ME THRU????!!!!!.... this is somethin i been dealing with my whole life.. and i am gettin more tired of it as life goes on... and i am tryn to accomplish more in my life then i ever have or wanted to do... i am starting college (online) for myself at the end of this month... i am still with the same guy for almost 2 yrs in January... now he is a big part in my life... since i been with him... i have been a very diffrent person... i mean its funny how i actually changed for him... yea i fucked up once i got caught sending naked pix of myself to men... but i NEVER physically cheated on him... and i keep shit real with him as well.. i let him know what is on my mind... and what i hate but love at the same time is that he makes me talk to him when i dont want to... but i do ... lol... and when i tell him i get angry... i cry ... i let all of what i feel out... i lash out on what he does... i also scream about what my family does... and i hurt ppl... but at the same time... they KNOW I LOVE THEM... and i am not sayn those things to hurt them....

but anyways... yea.. talk about what i was sayn when i first started to write... i made a pact with that person to never bring up the past... we will see how well that lasts.. and i doubt that it will make a diffrence...

i tried to talk to a diffrent family member like a few weeks back... cuz some HIGH SCHOOL BULLSHIT .. OF HE SAID SHE SAID happend... and i was talken to her... and i was sayn how like there has to be a reason that i am still alive... and i think its to get my family back together... but i dont think that will happen.. my aunt like always has somethin negative to say about the one side of the family... but she is right with most things... i dont blame her... but sometimes u need to be in that persons shoes to know y they do what they do... i try to explain that... but its hard... and the only one that we really need to be there for on that side is my uncle her older brother... (i live with the younger brother)... so yea... i need to start calling that uncle more ... and gettin involved with him.. i cant help him financially... cuz i dont have it... (i been spending money like fuckin crazy).. i need to save it... i can buy him some gas in his jeep... i can get him cigs if he needs em... but i cant spend like 2700 on a electric bill... i cant buy 400 in groceries... his house needs to be cleaned... he has 4 daughters... u think they help?... NO they dont... and its wrong... one says well she dont do it... y should i??... and all this shit.. (sounds like me with the one i live with)... but its diffrent... cuz my place dont get that bad.. its too small for that shit... he has a house with like 2 floors... if they all worked together on things they can do it... but choose not too... i need to bring my grandma and great grandparents back from the dead to get this family back together... or get their spirit and strength in me to help... i need to start goin to church.. i need to continue what i am doin in my life now.. so that i can be someone in 5 yrs... and actually have the life i should have made 8yrs ago...

life as we know it

life is so complicated at times.. it seems like things go well for you ... then hit you right in the behind.. (lol) ..when u want to do right in your life... something brings u down... i feel bad for my mom... she is goin thru rough times as of lately... and i cant help her with money... but i am there for her when she needs to talk.... but she dont talk to me much... cuz i think she dont want me to worry... i will always worry about her.. NO MATTER WHAT!!... just because she had done some fucked up things in her life it does not mean that she should feel like noone is there for her.. and i may get upset with some choices she makes.. and she knows that... cuz she knows what the right thing to do is... but she needs to lay in her bed until she can get back up on her own 2 feet... ya kno... like i am glad my uncle let me stay with him ... its helping me a great deal... but i still dont save anything... cuz i spend money like its HOTT... lol... i cant help it either... like my life was always around getting high... and i am not about to spend money on drugs... i like to spend money on FOOD.. CLOTHES...ETC...i mean if u had a habbit that u couldnt afford b4.. then u had a second chance in life... what would you do with it???... i choose living life... SPENDING MY OWN MONEY WHEN I WANT TO.... lol... i work for it... i have a full time job... 40hrs a week... 8-5 m-f... and i am starting school in Ocotober... full time... for psychology... so i think i am tryn to make a better life for myself... but everytime somethin goes right... somethin goes wrong.. y is that??... can someone answer that for me???... does life need to be like that??... well anyrate... i need to stop bloggin... i have a FARM to attend too... LOL..

quizes

you know how on like facebook you can take all these funny quiz things... and it tells you what you/or it is... lol... i take all these sex ones... and its funny... cuz me and my friend keep gettin the same things... and its like ... man oh man... the funny things that had happend in our life... (i wont put it on blast).. just for a friends sake... lol.... but you can guess... and its like the new friends you have made on facebook or just ppl you end up becoming friends with are all like... OH .. I DIDNT KNOW THAT ABOUT YOU... lmfao... its a DUMB quiz... and you make your answer the way you answer the questions... and whomever made that quiz had a lot of waistful time on their hands... lol... but then again.. i must have the time too... cuz i took em...

so i am sitting here thinkin about all the things i have done... and just laugh.... and get turned on at the same time... like WOW... i was a FUCKED up child... lol... and I DIDNT CARE... well then again not anyone really cared for me... (as what it seemed like at times)

so yea.... i would include more stories about what i done when i was younger... but i wont do that to certain ppl...

i was just remembering what i did when i was at Green Acres Camp... how like me and this one girl well 2 other girls were really close... and we would touch eachother... and we would be in the very deep end of the pool and do things under water... thinkin no one can see us... HA HA HA... OMG...too funny... i am thinkin i should be gay right now... marry a woman who loves men too.. and be happy with that... lol... (JUST SAYN!)... LOL..not like i will... i love my man right now... i can have my cake and eat it too with him...

well yea... this is just a quick blog...

lost

i am so lost... i dont know what to do... i want to make my life better then what it is rite now... and i felt as if i was doing the right things... i am making this blog to tell a story... (possibly make a change in ones life)... i been working at the same place now for over a year and a half...(march will be 2 yrs)... i signed up for online college (Thomas Edison) for Psychology... (tryn to get a BA) they (the school) cant find my damn papers i signed for them... they cant simply call me or anything to let me know what the fuck is goin on... and now its like what do i do???... i have to live with my uncle so like when he wants to help another family member who has NEVER done something for US... and if i dont help he will be pissed at me... and its like WTF??!!!... what am i doing wrong in life rite now that is maken things harder for me?... i have established to keep a man in my life for more then a year and a half as well... (I HAVE ALOT OF FIRSTS GOIN ON HERE) and its because i have guidance and love from FAMILY/PEOPLE WHO CARE... i have to deal with IGNORANT people i work with... i have to deal with BULLSHIT at home!!... i have to put a smile on my face just to hide my pain... but when i had more then enough I WILL LET SHIT GO... AND IT WONT BE PRETTY!!!...



i think that i have been thru enough bullshit in my life and had overcome so much ... like i could have went back to doin drugs... cuz that would be easy to let everything go and not care... but i do care... i care for my future... my life... my family... i dont care much for my job but o well... i am tired of feeling like i OWE someone or something... pain is no pleasure.... i hate it... what can you do to make everyone happy at the same time??

i am talking so much non-sense cuz i am just so stressed and my mind is running crazy... i cant take haven so much on my mind... it dont help when ppl dont listen to you ... and just FUCK it all up for you!!!... i hate when someone says DONT DO THAT.... HEY BUDDY!!... REALITY CHECK YOU DO THE SAME FUCKIN THING!!!...i am so lost in my mind... i dont know what to do... GOD grant me the serenity to move on with my life.. help me gather thoughts and give me strength....

WHAT SHALL NOT KILL YOU ... CAN ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER!!

just to let everyone know...

from what i am writting and telling everyone... i need you to know that i am not trying to make my mom or myself to look bad... (well mostly my mom)... she is a wonderful person aside from what she had done in her past... everyone knows or should know that people do change... and its mostly for the better.... Now... i need to tell you all that being the age i was... (teens)... i knew my rights from my wrongs... i knew many things... cause it comes with common sense... now... because my mom had done wrong... it does not mean that i had to follow... and i should have made many more better choices... but that is the gift of growing up and learning... if you cant learn from your own mistakes then i am not sure what i can do for you... i know that i did not learn from my mistakes during the period of which i am writting about rite now...but i have learned from them now... and you will all see and know more of how and why when i continue to post my blogs... THANK YOU...

Starting Point

well lets start from the beginning (at least from when i was old enough to remember things)... i remember being 4 yrs old and living with my grandmother, my mom and my uncle... now my uncle was a drunk/drug user... my mom was the same... my mom was in and out of my life... NEVER had met my dad... we lived in Linden,NJ... and i was so close to my grandma that where ever she was i was... she was my best friend... i remember my little hot pink color chair with the picture on the back of it....and sitting outside on the porch with her... as she would give me a bowl of apple slices and orange slices with tons of surgar on em.... that was the life.... i had friends who lived next door to me whom i would play with all the time.... and a old man whom lived upstairs ... he always let me play with the philsbury doughboy doll thing he had.... when he passed away his daughter had given me it so i can play with it... i was always out side with no shoes... stepping on slugs... and playing in dirt and mudd..... collecting worms... "Oh that was the good life!"... one day i remember that i was going to bed... and when i woke up in the morning i wanted something to eat... i was trying to wake up grandma who was next to me (cause i slept with her)... she was so cold... i put a sheet on her to make her warm... i went to the kichen tried to get somethin to eat... then a knock was at the door... i pushed my grandmas chair next to the door... i had my little pink chair and put that next to grandma's ... and i climbed up and unlocked the door... i had to pull the chain off and unlock the dead-bult.... it was my friends from next door... i told em to get their grandma cause mine would not wake up... so then their grandma told us to go into her apartment ... we went in... then all of a sudden i seen my aunt come over... i seen my mom running thru the door (now this was all in time)... my moms boyfriend came over after my whole family was there... and he took me out to get ice cream cause apparently GOD was coming down to take grandma away... so when we got to the ice cream place... (i was bare foot) my moms boyfriend closed my foot in the car door...(that hurt!)... (it did not brake cause it was not that hard... but it still hurt)... i remember my grandma's fake leg she had... (she alwats would scare me with it.. and i always went to smoke her cigaretts that she had lit)... i remember all the good funnt things ... she was so beautiful... and young.. but she had alot of problems.... i dont know much of what was wrong... but she is in such a better place... and my family has alot of guilt for her death

Continue...

so now that you know the start of it all.... lets talk about more things that have happend up until this point in my life... (BELIEVE YOU ME... THIS GETS MORE EXCITING AND INTERESTING AS MY LIFE CONTINUES!)... well after my grandmother passed away... my mom decided that it would be a nice idea to move to Florida to her friends house... and i remember gettin stung in the head by a bee like 3 times.... and red ants crawled all up my legs and bit me... (that was horrible... i got sprayed with the water hose to get them off me).... i drove the lawn mower (that was cool)... i went to school in a trailer... (that was weird)... i was goin to the bathroom and a mouse was in there... (i was so scared)... then one night i remember hearing a very loud noise in the next room from where i was sleeping.... it turns out that my moms friends brother whom my mom was seeing while we were staying there SHOT himself in the head with his rifle!!... he was upset that my mom wanted to go back to NJ and he didnt want us to leave... and she was like sorry but we are going... and so that was my second death that i was around or should i say exposed to... at this time i am still like 4-5 or 6 yrs old.... so i dont remember too much after that... i just remember being home... and my mom took me all around... we lived with diffrent people... and she was still doin her thing.... but at that age i didnt know what was goin on...





my mom was now dating a new guy... "DICK"... he was nice... he looked like Nirvana... (apparently this guy was a DOPE head)... he was cool... he tried to teach my to play guitar.... didnt work... but he tried... i got so sick while we were staying with him and his parents... i ran a 107 fever and boy it was bad when i could not make it to the bathroom to puke... i have no clue what was wrong with me... but then i was better after like a few days or a week.... another time i was getting somethin out the car and i closed my hand in the door and the door was somewhat closed on my hand.... i screamed so loud that my mom heard me over the blow dryer and all the windows in the house were closed... i was 7 yrs old... boy did i let a yell out... i have no clue if other people from other homes on the block came to see if i was ok... but my mom was outside in like 2 minutes... at this time also i made my communion from the catholic church in Kenilworth... that was a good time for me... (i am far from being Catholic or even following the Catholic Religion)... i also got caught over my aunts house smoking a cigarette... oh boy i was in so much trouble... i thought i was goin to be beat to death by my mom or aunt at that time... so after that one day Gene was in his room with a friend of his... and not knowing i could not do so..i walked into his room cause i heard him playing his guitar and i wanted to play mine... he chased me out of the room and hit me in the back of my leg with his belt... and i had a huge bruise on my calf muscle from him... he told my mom i was running up the stairs and fell so i hurt myself... after i told my mom what he did to me... she believed him... she would never believe me...

add on...

when i was a baby... my uncle was such a drunk... but i was like his everything... he loved me... he always wanted to hold me... and supposedly this one day when i was still like a we-little baby... he was so drunk that my mom told him that he cant hold me ... and i was sleeping in my crib... and he said "oh yea!... FINE!"... he took his fist and slammed it down into my crib/play pen and missed my head by like a inch... and my mom wacked him with a pan... (she liked doin that for some reason... lol)... umm but i was ok... and he had a nice lump... so whatever... but as i was gettin older... he would take me on walks... and make me call colored people porch monkeys and so i would call people that all the time... he was very racists... and i am so far from being that way... its not even funny... I LOVE PEOPLE... ANY SHAPE, SIZE, OR COLOR!.. he is somewhat diffrent today... i also used to get taught things like what head lice was and i asked some lady at the grocery store if she had eggs... and she was like yea... she showed me her eggs she bought and i was like NO NO ... and i pointed to my hair and was like EGGS EGGS... lol... the lady looked at my mom or whomever i was with and was like umm you need to teach her somethin diffrent... and before my grandma died... i was gettin potty trained....and my grandmother was teaching me about all diffrent animals.. and so my first poo i called it a snake.. lmao!!... good times ... good times... so... yea... this is a add on from my first post...

Continue part 2...

so we moved to Elizabeth now...Gene lived in Roselle... i had moved into my aunts friends house... in the basement... and umm that was when i seen my first penis... lmao... a friend of mine who i liked and he liked me was goin to the bathroom and i hid inside the hamper and i watched him pee.... ha ha ha... (thinkin back at this stuff is funny... your welcome for the laugh)... and of course i showed my stuff too... ha ha... i went to a camp called green acres around the cornor from my house... and i got into a fight with someone cause i liked her brother and he liked me but then it didnt work out ...(mind u i am like 7 or 8yrs old)... and umm i broke up with him to date this other kid who was like the bad boy of the camp and he was older... but he was so HOTT... and umm i remember he gave me my first kiss... and i was in heaven!... lol... and from the basement of the house we moved to the attic... and my mom was dating this guy named Dave at this time... he was a DOPE head too... i broke a piece of my tooth off in this place from rolling off the bed... and one day i was outside with his little girl and my mom and we were playing with a ball... and the ball had rolled down the driveway and into the street by the curb next to a parked car that was not even on... and he seen her go get the ball and grabbed me by the hair and dragged me up 3 flights of stairs and threw me into my room and beat the shit out of me... and my mom tried to stop him.. and he threw her down a flight of stairs... my moms leg was broke... and i had little cuts and a bruise... but i was fine... and then umm my mom hit him in the head with a pan... lol.. knocked him out... so that was that... we moved into a diffrent place around the cornor... i tried to run away from home... but i got scared... lol... i also got robbed by one of my friends brothers when i was going to the store for my mom... and i ended up getting my money back cause i told my mom and we went to their house and he got into alot of trouble...

quick blog

i write this all so that everyone can see that everyone goes thru something in their lives... no matter how fucked up your life is or was... YOU can make a diffrence ... IF YOU TRY... now i could have easily went back to doing drugs again... but i made a choice between haven my family or not haven my family... (I CHOOSE FAMILY)...

now what i was tryn to say in the first paragraph there ... is that i had more then enough chances to go back to doing drugs... when i was still somewhat paralized... (but learnin how to walk) i was able to leave the Extended Recovery Unit and stay home for a night... so i was with my mom and her boyfriend... they had letf to get some groceries ... and i was waiting for them to come back... when they had finally came home after like 2 hours and brang in only 5 bags i was wondering what the hell took so long... yeah... guess what?!!... they got drugs... and i knew this cuz her boyfriend was following her around the house and they stayed in the kitchen as i was in the living room...and i called this dealer who is a friend... and i cried and told him that i need to stay somewhere for the night cuz i cant be around that... so i took a bath i was tellin my mom y did she have to do that... and it was nothin... so like i went to T's house... and spent the night... he didnt show me drugs... he kept me in the room and took care of me... we talked and talked and talked... he is a great overall guy... he is just caught up in the game cuz its easy money... and umm i told him so many times that he can find a job... and work like a real man ...and do for his kid and things like that without gettin caught by cops.. going in and out of jail... but like i said ... its too easy for him to get money with the drug world out there... i could not call my aunt or uncle or anyone to come get me ... i was scared to get my mom introuble... i didnt want that to happen... so i thought by being by someone who i trusted wud be cool... and you can give me a lie detector test or anything else... I DID NOT GO BACK TO DRUGS... and believe you me... i would have possibly done it if i didnt care for myself.... but i value what i have anymore... cause my family and boyfriend is with me now to show me how much it means to be thankful for what i have...



its sad that some people make it a job for themselves to help enable others to get high and kill themselves... but they make lots of money... and its like a rush ... cuz u know ur bound to get caught by the cops... you know your doing somethin wrong... but its exciting for most people... and i feel bad for the ones who do get high... cuz its somethin they got into cuz of lonelyness... or cuz it ran in the family... or some are looking for a excuse to give way of their problems... and its hard for someone on the outside to understand... its easier if you been there and done that... or even if your family member is going thru it...but yet some people are blind to it... and ignorant to the idea that one can harm themselves like that...



my aunt sometimes does not get it... like y my mom started ... or y i got involved... but its those you choose to be around... and you make that first choice if you want to do it... and most people will say that smoking weed is a gateway... NO... WRONG ANSWER... i can smoke weed all day and night and feel fine... i would not want anything else... but my aunt thinks like someone wud want a stronger high... YES .. she is rite... but most cases people like to smoke weed and mix it with a drink and get all stupid... fall asleep... eat food... laugh... whatever... but everyone is diffrent with that... and its hard to explain it to someone who does not know what happens to someone if they dont go thru it... i have tried to explain to my aunt how it works... but i cant... i try to but then when i talk about it my heart like beats so fast... i feel all sick... i hate that feeling... thinkin or talkin about it gets me sick... JUST TO EVEN KNOW THAT I DID IT MAKES ME SICK!... i wont forget what it made you feel like... and i dont want to do it again... AINT GONNA LIE THAT I DONT THINK OF IT... CUZ I DO... but i WONT... i care too much about what i have in my life...

Continue part 3

so now i believe this time i moved into my great grandparents house in Kenilworth ... and attended Harding School.... now i had to be like 9 or so by now.... and umm my mom was so in and out of my life at this point... she left me more then a few times alone with my great grandparents... and i was becoming rebellious against my family... and did many stupid things... i tried to over dose with Tylenol... my great grandpa died and this was my first funeral i went to and i cried so hard when i seen him... and i made my great grandma cry... i remember dating a kid who was like 4 yrs older then me... and he wanted to make me do things at a young age... but i didnt do it cause i was scared... i played with the Ouja Board... i felt like i made connections with spirits... ( i was so stupid)... but somethin FREAKY did happen... one nite... i was laying in bed and i woke up cause i heard a noise... and so i was like OMG... i was crying and could not move.. i heard music playing in my basement... and i heard people talking and walkin up and down my stairs... and walking in and out the screen door only... and so then somethin walked all the way up the stairs and came to my door... and i seen a figure of something and it said good nite to me and my mom ... and it said i love you... it walked into where my aunt was sleeping with my great grandmother and said the same things... and i told my mom the next day what happend... of course she didnt believe me ... so she waited to hear it that nite as i slept at a friends house ... and umm she called me the next day and told me she heard it that time... so i was like yea... i was tellin the truth... and she was like lets see if it happens again tonite... so i was like ok... and we waited... it was like 12:30 or 1 am (the same time each nite).. and so we heard it.. so my mom gets out of the bed and turns the lights on to the basement... and the music stops...so she is callin down there and no one answers... so i try to get my dog to go down there and OH NO... she ran into my bedroom and hid under my bed... cause somethin was there... and i knew it... but there was nothin i could do.. and from that nite on .. it never happened again... i had 3 cats and one died... that was a sad day in my life... i also burried a kitten that died at birth.. ='( and my mom got locked up when i was 12... i had to talk to the schools pyshc. ... and she had told my aunt that i had alot of problems and that i needed to be on lots of meds and i need to be in a special school... and my aunt told her that she is FUCKED up in the head and needs to apologise to me cause ... yea i have issues... my mom is locked up!... and i was in 6th grade... how does a child act to that?!... so she apologised to me... and when my mom came home from jail... we had to start seeing a in office type pysch.... and that didnt work out to well.... (my mom was locked up for having 8 things of coke on her)... and so yea... this is the time my great grandma was gettin sick... and she died... when she died i didnt show that i cared up until it was the last day i seen her in the casket alone and i cried my heart out to her... (she was mean... but i still loved her).. and i learned more about what my mom was doing... and i found home made crack pipes in her stockings... and brought them to my aunt and uncle and they talked to my mom.... and my mom hated me for finding them.... and she yelled at me to not go thru her things... and so we had to kinda leave my great grandparents house cause my aunt wanted to sell it... and so i moved in with my oldest uncle... and left my mom ... i seen the look on her face that she was sad... but at the same time she didnt care... i wont forget that look...

Continue part 4

while living with my uncle and his 4 kids ... i have become a bad girl... i smoked weed ... i was with a new boyfriend... and lost my virginity to someone whom i hardly knew... and my cousins didnt care!.. a cousins boyfriend tried to get with me and started a whole bunch of shit.... i was looked down upon from my cousins and their mom.... when she went shopping for them... she NEVER bought me anything.... and i tried to move back to my mom... and thats when the MOST INTERESTING THINGS STARTED.... i became a whore... (basically i loved to have sex)... it was the best feeling in the world to me.... and i was happy that i was able to do it with so many people... and i didnt think of it... i was like FUCK IT!... (this was age 14)... i was now living in Dunellen and i went to school there... so i didnt have many friends at this point... and cause things were not going well with my uncle and his family i decided to move back to my mom...

Continue part 5

well ... when i decided to move back in with my mom is when things became more interesting... i was already at the point and age that i was like FUCK EVERYONE... and DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO... so i was smoking lots of weed... drinking... and haven sex like it was a HOLIDAY everyday!!... i became friends with this girl and she was like my bestest friend ever... her and i would do everything together.... (i didnt really mention this before..but while in Green Acres Camp... i had my first taste of girls... and i liked it since) so mind you... this girl and i did everything but do that with eachother... (thou i wanted it to happen... it didnt)...we just got into lots of things with eachother... i remember being at her house alot and goin across the street to this guys house and was loving every minute spent there... cause he was so HOTT... and yes i got that real quick... (cause i had it like that too)... it ended as fast as it started to ... i guess cause he got what he wanted... oh well... so i learned the game at this point... I HAD BECOME THE GAME!!...when she would sleep at my house we would be goin out all the time... sneeking out to go to a fight between 2 towns... (so stupid ... but hey i was 15)... and so i remember my mom knowing i snuck out and she caught me comin in... and she acted like she really cared about that... and yelled at me and hit me... and i was like whatever!...(THIS IS WHERE THE BAD THINGS REALLY START TO HAPPEN NOW)... after all the sneeking out and shit ... my girl and i became involved with 2 guys who were way older then us... they were like 21 or somethin... and of course they liked us young girls... we were bad... down for whatever... and they got us to smoke a WU... (which is weed with coke..if you didnt know)... i got sick the very first time i smoked one... cause apparently ur not supposed to mix the 2 but i didnt know that until after i did it... but it was so good... and i liked it... the high was like WHOA... and the guys loved the fact they can do this shit with girls who did it all for them... so from that day on i just got into more drugs ... (oh yea...so before i moved in with my mom again... she told me that she no longer does drugs and that she was clean)... so mind you... my girl and i took a ride with my mom one day cause we had to go to Maryland to do a job that my mom and her boyfriend were doing ...(they worked with steel trusses)... and umm so my mom had told my girl to drive the car and she was like ok... so i am in the back seat and chiki is driving... and my mom was in the passanger seat... and she was like... "candice i am sorry but i need to do this"... she pulled out a crack stem and smoked it and asked me if i wanted to try it... and i cried and yelled and asked her how the hell can you sit there and ask me that?!!... and umm so like she was tellin me that she would rather me do it infront of her then to do it behind her back... and so we ended up gettin to where we were going and umm once i was there .. my girl and i were talken and i was like look i will do it / try it if you do... and so then guess what??!!... we did it... and we liked it... and it became an addiction that i just did not want to stop.. and my mom would sit there and tell me that she wanted control on how much i did and when i did it... LMFAO... what a fuckin trip!!... (sitting here now thinkin of this is maken my stomach fuckin curl!... and i want to just cry and punch someone/something!)... so like i became this druggy that my mom was and umm it brought my life to a new level of things... we lost the apartment that we stayed in.... moved in with my moms friend... he touched me in places that i didnt want to be touched in... and he thought i was enjoying it... once he seen i was crying ... i thought he was goin to hit me and throw me across the room... i told my mom or he did... SHE TELLS ME ITS MY FAULT CAUSE I GOT HIGH WITH HIM!!!!!....NO ITS NOT MY FAULT... I DIDNT TELL HIM TO DO THAT TO ME... i was scared to say stop cause i didnt know if i should... when this happened my mom was stayn at a hotel with her boyfriend to be alone... we moved out of this guys place and SHE STILL BROUGHT THAT GUY AROUND ME...she didnt leave us alone though.... and i didnt want to even be by him so i went away from the spot for a while... so he left and i came back...so at this time we were living in a motel called The GreenBrook Motel... and i was turning 16... do you know what i got for my birthday??...I GOT A FUCKIN HIT OF CRACK!!!...yea... HAPPY FUCKIN 16TH BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!...(what a fuckin life so far)

CONTINUE PART 6

so from that day on.... i told myself that i would not touch drugs again... i drank... i smoked weed... but i didnt touch crack ... i had a job at Bruggers Bagels in Warren... and umm i paid for us to live at the motel... and we lived on spam!!... so yea... now i guess my mom and her boyfriend were at bars and shit in Dunellen... and i am guessing my mom was gettin tired of her man... and she found a new one!!... and jumped in his car... and stayed with him... i didnt talk to my mom for like a week... i didnt know what was goin on... i happend to move to my uncles house (whom i stay with now)... and he was trying to have control on me.. and i jumped out his window and ran away from him... and stayed at my bosses house and ended up getting in contact with my mom somehow... i dont really remember how... but i did... and i met the new man in her life... so now we live in Dunellen!!!... YAY!!!..(not really)... and so i got my own room again... and it was huge!!!... i had a weight set in my room that i used as a clothing rack... lmao... i had a couch and love seat and a coffee table with my full size bed... and a twin bed in my closet... lol... (i had 2 walk in closets ... one on each side).. i had a very big room... it was the size of the whole house... i loved my room!!... well my moms new boyfriend here became more of a father figure to me and i got to meet his 3 little girls whom i took in as sisters in my life... they r so beautiful... and i love them like they are blood... and umm yea i was wild child... i was out late alot... but i learned responsibility... i cleaned the house everyday after school... i cooked and cleaned up dinner... i was able to go out and come home by like 10 or a little later... i been grounded so many times... by my moms boyfriend...(oh yea before i moved to Dunellen... i dropped out of High School)... so now i am back in school cause of him... which was a good thing... but he was a drinker... and at this time NO DRUGS were in the picture... i became really good friends with some girl... she was beautiful... she was the bestest friend ever.. now to be honest ... i ended up doin drugs with her and her father for like 3 months... and then it stopped... but we were still friends... we had done things together (if you know what i mean)... lol.. (askin myself right now if this is something i really want to share)(i guess so)... but her and i been through some shit together... we are on tape from her old house she lived in cause the guy who owned the house had a hidden video cam in her closet... at the time i was like 18 so i didnt have to go to the police station to see it or somethin and i didnt press charges... i forget what happened with that though... anyways... yea... so i ended up doin many more things at this time...(i will be more in depth when i write my book) ... so after she left the school and town i became friends with others... and this other girl was like my HOMIE... she and i were always out on the town driving to many places... and smoking lots of weed... lmao... i remember one time we were only like a house away from my house blazing up in my boy's car and she was like ... "where are we?"... lmfao i was like we aint to far from my house... she would not believe me... we so smoked ourselves stupid... ha ha... her and i didnt do anything together... she wasnt like that... but that is besides the point...she i would have to say was a very good best friend... and she was there for me... her family was there as well.. i felt like i belonged to a nice family for a change... people who open their hearts out to strangers.... is someone in my book that is worth holding on too... cause some people would not even think of opening their doors to some.... (ya know what i mean?!)



*Now i can go on and on about things... but i want to talk about somethin else... and that is why i make add ons to what i have already posted*

CONTINUE PART 7

so after i graduated HS in Dunellen... i did alot of diffrent things... one thing i did was start to date this kid and i moved in with him and all that... i started doing "x" (the drug)... and workin at a bar... and always had money on me to do things... and well one day i went over a friends house with my boyfriend.. and i was hanging out with my friends mom in the backyard... she wanted my man and i to get her some crak.... so we did and then thats when it almost started again ..(i was 19) and umm so my bf and i took this hit and then left cause we would have wanted more... so we went home and somehow we came up with the idea to drive to Florida to see his family... so we drove there... and on the way there we stopped in South Carolina... and umm my bf's brother got pulled over in my car cause he didnt have a license but i needed him to drive... (it was too much for me to drive all the way there)... and we spent like a nice few hours tryn to get him out and thank god he knew some people... so we could get them to give us some money to get him out... that was HECTIC... and so now we got to florida (daytona) and i met my mans dad and that was cool... we went to the beach.. the water was so nice... and i tried to surf that was hard... and umm then from there we went to Tampa... and that is where we were goin.. i met his Uncle... and his son... we asked his uncle where his girl was .. he said that she was out gettin some drugs... and so i went to my bf and said ... why didnt u tell me that ur uncle did that and blah .. blah .. blah... so i was like umm well we r supposed to be on vacation do you want to do it?.. and he was like sure... so we did... let me tell you that now this is where it all began!!...



YOU MAY DECIDE NOW IF YOU WANT TO READ THE REST OF THIS OR TURN AWAY!



once she came back we all met and went into his uncle bedroom and all took hits and got so fucked up ... the crack they have in Florida is like 10 times more powerful then the shit they have here in NJ... it ended up where there was no more drugs so then me and the girl went out and i was drivin her to places where she got money from people by trickin... (being a whore...haven sex for money) and umm once we got enough money to get some more drugs we got some ... this was a on going thing now... and i became her and had sex for money to get drugs.. (something i always told myself that i would never do)... i gave my jewlery to a pawn shop.. i even gave a dealer my cell phone i had just so that he can have a working phone and we could get drugs... (fucked up shit)... my bf decided one nite that we drive up to this block where we go sometimes and act like we had money for drugs and when they went to give them to me and they took the money that was not all there ... they knew that we did that and called up the block and by the time we were at the end of the block they hit my windshield with a folding metal chair on the passenger side in where i was sitting and it scared the fuck outta me... they tried to follow us but was not able to find us and we smoked the drugs and didnt think nothin of it and so ... it had to have been like a few weeks later when the girlfriend of the uncle wanted to get some from these guys one day and i pulled around to the side street hoping they didnt see me and well someone did they came to my window... and said "BITCH YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU DID TO ME!" and hit me in the side of my face with a brick... luckly i did not get hurt to bad... i had a scratch cause i seen it comin so i went with the motion of the way he was going... so yea.. about that and he took my necklace that was given to me with my name on it... that was worth like a couple hundred bucks for that... so yea.. that didnt stop me from being a crack whore still... i remember callin my mom and her boyfriend and askin for money to come home and i didnt even use the money to go home.. i used it for my habbit... and then my bf got mad at me and left me at his uncles cause he thought i was hidding drugs from him (lmao)... and so i was in Florida alone with family that is not even mine... and yea... i dated this mexican kid who was into doin what i was... and he had money... but then wanted me to stop doin what i was doin and move with him and i said no.. so he left me... and i then started with this guy who seen me around... and he took me away from the streets... and i tried to become clean... my mom came to get me from there... and while she was getting me.. we got drugs for the ride home... man i tell ya ... i had a fucked up life since that day...

Continue Part 8

on the way home ... my car was like over heating and all this shit.. cause i didnt have oil in it and man we were just fucked up... but we got home and i continued to do drugs.. and then had the guy who i left in Florida come and get me in NJ cause my moms bf wanted to fight with me... and so i went back to Florida... i was tryn again to get clean... i tried to look for work... i was learning how to water ski.. and swam with the gators in the pond behind my house... which was scary... i had little duckies as my friends... the mom tried to attack me... but didnt ... lol... and we had to move from the place where we were stayin at cause he didnt have a job no more... he was workin for like home depot and i learned how to lay down the floor stuff they use in bathrooms (on the floor) ( i cant think of the name now.. lol.. knowin me i will know it later)... and umm yea so we moved to Orlando... we lived in a Hotel for a while... i was friends with some little kids... and then got to know their mom and dad... found out that they liked to smoke crack too... yea... i smoked with them one nite and didnt do it again for quite some time... but yea... ( crack was a big part of my life for a long time).... so like that was that nite... and i think that was when i turned 21 .... so after that nite i didnt touch it again for a while... and umm we moved into some rooming house... and i was workin with the guy who owned the house.. he was a jewish guy and i was like fallin for this kid who lived in the house and worked with him... well i started to try to go to college at FMU in North Orlando... i made friends wit this girl... she was cool... and cute.. i wanted to get away from the guy i was with she wanted to hook me up wit her cousin... so i was all about it... and so time was gettin closer and closer... i left the guy i was with and stayed at a hotel an when i left my bf he didnt know i even left cause i left when he was workin or out lookin for work... and umm i remember goin to the clubs with my girl up on the BLVD in Orlando... i went to TABU alot.. that was the HOTT SPOT... i loved it!!... and we went to some club called FIRE somethin... and thats were Busta Rymes was playn at... and i got to see him up close.. that was awesome!!!... i had so much fun... and well my olf bf found me at this hotel i was at... he came after me... and some guys who live in florida (red necks) umm beat the shit out of him for tryn to take me away... and my ex was charged with attempted kidnapping... domestic violence... DWI... DUI... umm assult... tresspassing and something else... i had marks all over my body... so now i needed a new place to go... and i could not go home i had no money and my family said no cause i fucked em once already they were not goin to do it again... so i understood... there was this guy from my college... he was living in some ladys house and let me stay with him and was tryn to find a friend of his whom i can stay with for a while... so he found someone... and let me tell you... i fell so deep in love with this guy... he was purto rican.. and his family is from NJ... he was trying to become a singer... and man i was in love so fast with him... (i will keep sayn that) ... his family loved me... and told him he needs to keep me... but he knew i needed to go home and take care of some things for myself... so he blew it off... i was supposed to go to his recording studio cause he heard me sing and he loved it... but it didnt last =(

the day... pt.9

so i had a friend of my mother... western union me some money to come home... and so i took a bus from Orlando to Newark... my mom had met me at the station in Newark with her boyfriends kids... i was so happy to see them... and they were happy to see me... and once we got home and the kids went home... we started to do drugs again... from that day on... drugs didnt leave my life for the next like 3 yrs... i lost so much weight.... i looked really ill... i tried to find work so this way i didnt have to ask people for money... and i didnt last at my jobs... i was so fucked up... i never wanted to leave the house.... and umm at this time when i came home my mom and her boyfriend were living in the basement of a friends house ... and we found another place around the cornor from there... so we moved in there... and thats when things continued on gettin worse... i eneded up gettin this job at this deli and the owner was a coke head... and he knew what i was into... and it didnt bother him unless i didnt come in... but he would come pick my ass up to make sure i came into work... lol... and i met some guy there... he was so HOTT... and i remember i tried to not do drugs for a while so that i could see him... and things were good... til one day i noticed that when i kissed him one night and my lips got all numb... and i was like WTF?!... i was like y didnt you tell me what you were into?... and i started to sniff coke like he did... and i was buy shit from my boss... and things were bad... this kid and i broke up cuz shit was getting to crazy for me... and he didnt want to be a part of it... i so understood... (he is married now)... anyways... i dated other people who were into things that i was into... and those relationships were the worse... we faught so many times over alot of stupid shit... cause of the drugs of course... and i met some pretty interesting people!!... let me tell ya... this one girl who was more friends with my mom ... she caused alot of problems... always tellin us she can get all these drugs and she would bring em back... SHE WOULD NOT COME BACK FOR LIKE A FEW DAYS!!... this BITCH took my car one time and i knew where she was... i went there and blew the FUCK UP on her!!... all the black people in the house called me the CRAZY WHITE BITCH...lol... they didnt fuck wit me ever since that day... but anyways... b4 that happened... i was wit this one kid... and i had met someone thru him... and after i broke up with the one... i went to his friend who i first tried to hook up with my mom... (YEA SICK SHIT RITE?)... anyways... i was with this guy for like 9 mths... and the relationship was nice when we were sober.... (if we were ever sober)... and he had the most beautiful kids ever... they so loved me!!.. and i loved them with a passion!... (BY THE WAY.. I SKIPPED A BUNCH OF SHIT... BUT THAT IS FOR MY BOOK... AND IF YOU WANT TO KNOW IT ... YOU WILL HAVE TO BUY MY BOOK WHEN IT COMES OUT)... so we would see his kids every now and again... we would have so much fun... but the mother of the kids did not want them around me...the mom hated me with a passion cause i was young and she knew i was a druggy... and so like my bf and i would buy stuff for the kids... but was never able to give it to them... so like we were friends with this drug dealer..and i knew he had some family members who were the same age as my bf's kids... and he would take it... we would not ask for drugs in return for what we gave to him... and this boyfriend and i had a horrible relationship... always fighting... he got mad at me cuz this one time we were at a friends house around the cornor... (the same place i lived in the basement at)... and some people were over... and this one in particular was someone i used to mess with.. and i went outside to talk cuz i was so drunk off my ass... that i was just so happy and talkative... and so like he got pissed and started to fight with me so bad... my friend kicked us out of her house... and so when we got home... he was pushing me down in the living room and i kicked him... i bit him so bad just to get him off me... and i chased him with a knife... and i threw a coffee pot at his head... and i broke it... and it was bad... i dont think the cops came that nite... but i was shocked that they didnt ... he was tryn to get me to not use my phone... he dragged me across the living room floor... and i had scratches all up and down my body... and so like things after that were just so bad... so much had happend... and umm (here comes the more interesting part)... we had money that we needed to get from his Union Hall in Newark... so like we didnt have a ride... so we asked people if we could borrow their car to get this and everyone was like NO.. and so we asked the dealer whom i would always give things to... and he was like yea.. sure no problem... so like i remember waking up at like 8am and we were gettin ready and he had came to the house at like 9:30... and we had some more things for him to take to his family... and he was like ... oh i will take it when we get back... and so like he asked my bf does Candice really need to come with us... he was like yea... she goes where i go... so i went... and he had his cousin with him drivin the car... and like my bf was in the front seat i was behind him... and the dealer was behind the driver... so we were off to newark to get this check... and we picked it up ... and we went back towards home... (mind u .. he gave us some drugs b4 we left the house.. so we were like wanting to get home so we can do them... and then we were goin to leave to go to Cali like the next day or so)... and so like we got into Plainfield... and we cashed the check... and bought some things that i needed ... and we got in the car again.. gave the dealer his money we needed to give him... and we stopped at another store to get minutes for my phone and cigarettes... so i told the driver ... y dont u go thru the park so we can get home faster... he was like i was thinkin of doin it anyways... so i was like oh ok... (didnt think much of it)... and so we got into the park... and i was starting to notice that it was strange... i seen him lookin in all his mirrors... and drivin really slow... my thought was somethin bad was goin to happen.. but i wasnt sure... i didnt think the dealer was like that... he would always come over my house sometimes and play x-box and eat dinner and shit wit me and my man... (wit his girl no less)... and so like they stopped the car and told my man and i to get out... so as we got out... the dealer was outside the car holding a gun... and he was pointin his gun at me... and the cousin asked me who had the money while he was still in the car and told him my bf... and the dealer then took a shot towards me .. i quickly ducked down cuz i was so scared... and umm he pointed it at my man... and my man was like take it... i dont need it.. just please dont hurt us.. and he started to shoot him ... he shot him like 6-7 times... and i then looked up as i was still crouched down... and he looked in my eyes... and said "i'm sorry... but GOOD-BYE!"... so he shot me like 2 times in the top portion of my head... (all execution style like) and i fell to the ground... and the next thing i hear is the car pullin off... the tires where spinning.. and so i laid there... and i opened my eyes a little and moved ever so slowly... and i touched my face with my left hand cause i could not move my right arm... i had no feeling in my arm or both my legs... i touched my face and i seen all this blood... and i was like OMG... i knew i was shot... i didnt know how bad... i turned and looked at my bf lay on the other side and i knew he was dead... so i was starting to scream for some help... and someone had told me that cops where on the way.. and i was waiting for them... so i seen a cop run down the hill.. and he looked at my bf... and then came straight to me... (that cop had died like a year later i think)..(he had some issues)... well then all of a sudden there was like so many people around me... (i kept goin in and out)...and umm i remember cops askin me the same fuckin questions over and over again... and i was like "STOP ASKIN ME THE SAME FUCKIN QUESTIONS!!"... i was tellin them all to listen to me when i say it to the one person... if u didnt hear me look at what he wrote!... lol... so like i told em where the kid who shot me lived... i told em what car we were in and all that happened... and how the drugs where at my house... cuz i didnt want to get introuble with that...



this is my scar like 2 mths later... see how skinny i was!

continue part 10

so like i am at the hospital now.... and the one cop had stayed with me askin me who he should call and tell them where i was... i gave em my moms number... but no one answered... and the phone must have been out of minutes... so there was no one else i could have thought of other then other family members... so i was like i really dont want to give u this number... but call my aunt... so like he called her... and she apparently was comin to where i was... and i went down to get preped and ready for surgery... and meanwhile some detectives came to see me... i picked the 2 guys out of a line up they had and recorded my testimony... (they apparently where not sure what was goin to happen to me)...so then i went into the room where the surgery was goin to start... and the next thing i know... i woke up in a room filled with people... and i cried... i told everyone how sorry i was for everything and anything... and that i would never hurt them again...



so from that day it changed my life... I WAS SHOT WITH A 9MM ... 2 TIMES... 2 FRACTIONS OF MY SKULL WAS SHOWING AND SO WAS MY BRAIN APPARENTLY... I WISH I HAD PHOTO'S ...



my next upcoming blogs will be more current...

the fun and good times...

now this is just some things i didnt mention... when i was little my aunt was always just about there with me... she taught me how to ride a 2 wheeler... and i remember she got me my first bike.. then someone stole it... =( and we went to St. Thomas... and thats where i learned to swim... i met a guy who had no legs.. and he was swimming... i swam with him... i always talked to people... i was a happy little kid... and i was so sweet... i went up to anyone and talked to em... i got this monkey thing while we were out there... came home and aunt sharon accidently caught my monkey on fire... i was with her roomate as she cleaned it up and got all the smoke out the apartment....her friend used to live like on the cornor from where she lived... and i always was over there playin with her cat... i loved Daisy... she was my favorite kitty cat... =)



i was around my aunt a while... she moved from Elizabeth to Springfield... and her house was so big... and at this point in time i was in LOVE with The New Kids on The Block!... i had the bed sheets.. i had posters.. i always sung their songs... lmao... i had a blast...(when i was young)... my aunt did so much with me...

so yea... we been on many trips... like my aunt took me and a couple of friends to Dorney Park (i think i spelled that wrong...dont care)... and she also took one friend and i to umm virgina ... we went to Bush Gardens... that was fun... i have so many pictures that when i write my book i will have pictures in it... (again i need to ask my friends if i can put them in it)

just sitting here rite now makes me think of so many fun times... and i miss that!... DONT EVER GROW UP!!..lol... although its too late for that one!!...

i remember my bike rides with friends... roller blading... i went skiing ..(that was a horrific site)... (its funny too)... lmao... it was my first time ever tryn to ski... and i wasnt doin that bad.. until my aunt ..my mom... and my grandpa had decided to go down a intermedite (i know i spelled that wrong too)... slope... and i was scared... the slope was on a downward slant... on the left to me was rocks going up... so i was like below them... but there was like a wall... and to the right was like a down the hill type thing with a bunch of trees.... so like i was going down the slope... but i was gettin scared cuz i started to go fast... and so i turned my skies towards the left to go to the wall... and so i realized i didnt want to hit the wall... i fell back on my ass... and i turned to go down the hill... but stayed crouched down so i can fall on my ass again if i was goin fast... but i like sat up to where my skies turned more to the right... and QUESS WHAT??!!!...I FUCKIN WENT TOWARDS THE TREES!!... and so i went over the cliff into a snow bank right by a tree... LMAO!!...and my mom was so scared... she didnt want to come see me... she thought i was goin to be dead... and my aunt came to see me ...i just had a bunch of snow all in my suite... and my goggles.. lol... omg... and so i ended up gettin down the slope with my aunt... and she decided to get me lessons so that i knew what to do... and that was like the next day...so like we got the lessons... now i was like YEAH ok... i can do this!... lol... so i went up the ski lift.. and i was goin down the bunny slope... mind you this slope is pretty steep for a begginer... lol... so i went down it and all of a sudden for some reason my skies decided to form a pizza shape... and i flipped over them... busted my lip all open... and blacked out for like a second... woke up and seen blood pouring down into the snow... my mom was flippen again... and the paramedic people came to get me and put me on like a sled and brought me down the slope... and i was like that was fun... he asked me if i wanted to go back up the slope and he will bring me down again.. i was like no thanks!.. lol... and so i had to get my lip all checked out.. my aunt came to see me... she was like omg what is goin on with you!... lol... well then there was a blizzard that nite... and the next mornin we went on our usual trip from our condo to the slopes... it was so cool... i actually can see it in my mind on how beautiful it was that day... (after the storm)... so like we were sking all day... and when we were getting ready to go back to the condo... my aunt wanted to do a black diamond... so i did it... i did it so well that there was another ski instuctor whom asked my aunt how long i been skiing for.. she was like just this week... lol.. he said i was doin great... so that was a nice ending for that ski trip...

what else have i done?... well a few years went by... and i was like 15... i went to Paris... that was nice... i met the Roots while i was out there... they wanted me to be their groupie... but i didnt ... my teacher whom i was with (cuz it was a school trip) said NO.. lol... i was in the room blazing up with them though... that was fun... i had a blast... i seen so many cool things... visited many places... there was alot of walking... but it didnt bother me much.. i have done so much walking b4 going there that it was nothin to me... (again once i write my book i will have pics for this)... well i cant tell you all of the fun things and good times...

i am goin to leave some for my book...

there is many more good times and i will post them up in my book... i need to finish my bad memories the rest of my story for all of you... (so i can be current)

current times part 1

now mind you my shooting was March 24,2006... after i was able to leave ICU i went to BTU in a diffent hospital... this is where they started all my therapy for me... i had no hair... i looked like oscar the grouch with my eye brows all full not waxed... skinny as anything with a buzz cut on my head... i was paralized so they had to lift me out of the bed to put me in my wheelchair... and then put me in this machine that made you stand tall... so you can get that feeling of standing again... they made me look in a body mirror to see how my stance was in this thing... i would cry so bad cause i looked so horrible... i told them to get that fuckin thing out of my face... i know what i look like i dont need to see it anymore!... i flipped out on these people... i know they were doin their job.. but they dont know what it feels like...and its hard to explain to someone how it feels... cause you need to feel it for urself... so then like everyday we were always working on things to get my motions/feeling back... (quick thought...i had many visitors and met alot of interesting people) so like in the morning they needed to get me in the showers... that was just weird havin someone other then my family bathe me... and change my diapers... (cuz of being paralized i could not feel when i had to pee... or poo... and that was embarrasing)... i had been at the most lowest point in my life at this time... i had only the hospital clothes that were on my back... and my address was whatever it was for the hospital and my room number... fucked up shit right?!.... during this time of healing and being in this hospital and talking to people... goin thru therapy was hard... i haven realized until today (3 yrs later)... that what i been thru was horrible... and so tramatic... that i must be a strong person to be who i am today... so like being in the hospital and all that again... i learned to get myself out of bed again... i learned to wash my own body... i took my first 10 steps with a rolling walker with my physical therapist... i was so mad that he made me walk.. but it felt good... i remember that day cause it was later when my aunt came to see me... and i told her to watch what i could do... i lifted my one leg... she was so happy that she cried... she left the room with joy and then came to me and held me so tight... and she was so happy... she didnt stop with me that day... she kept pushin me and pushin me to work my legs and my arm... and man that was so tireing... lol... but hey if it was not for her and my other family members to be there by my side everyday and help me... i cant honestly tell you where i would be right now...

current times part 2

so like i was in the BTU for like a month and a half... (btw i was in ICU for like 3 weeks)... i moved to an Extended Recovery Unit at a diffent place... this is where i had spent like 7 mths at... that was freakin HELL!!... now let me tell you... i have met my worst enimes (i spelled that wrong too) here at this place... but i had also made my own little family with some of the people that actually have to live there... i heard alot of stories in how they got there... very interesting with most of them... i can tell you what happend... i cant say who they are... and you will realize how fucked up some people can be... and it does not have to be your fault either...



there was this woman who was in the next room from me... she was in her motorized wheelchair from being in a accident... she is like quadrapaligic from the head down... she can talk somewhat but its hard to understand... she has been there over 10 yrs now... her husband was driving and a drunk driver ran a red light and hit the passanger side in which she was sitting... it was horrible... her husband left her after a year and he divorced her... had married some other woman and now has a baby with that woman... FUCKED UP!!!... ooh man i wanted to kill this guy every time i seen him... that is wrong!... if you love someone no matter what happens to them... u should be by their side! ... i was friends with her... but its hard to understand what she says at times so i would always be off doin my own thing...



there was this time when i was out side have a smoke with some buddies... i came upstairs and there was a hoy-lift (somethin they use to lift heavy people out of the bed with to put them in their wheelchair... and i seen that a fuckin CNA (a nurses assistant) was goin thru my drawer and took out my hair brush... i was like ... "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING??... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT NOW BITCH!"... oh boy this woman got me fuckin heated!!... i was screamin to get her out ... she was scared!... LMAO... and i went and told the head of the nurses what happened... and this BITCH lied to her... she told her that somethin fell off my dresser and she picked it up and put it back... i was like ... YOUR A FUCKIN LIAR... AND IF I CATCH YOU DO SOME SHIT LIKE THAT AGAIN ... SO HELP YOU GOD... I WILL FUCK U UP!!... man i went thru so much shit i this place with these people... i will save it all for my book...

current times part 3

so like i worked out everyday ... i did what i had to do ... to get out of this place... and so like after my 7 mths... i moved to this Independant Living Place... now this place was like LOCKDOWN... i was like OH HELL NO.... i had to report everyone coming thru to see me... i had to have people watch me cook my own dinner... and my roomate who was like 10 times my size would say that i was stealing her fuckin clothes... THIS PLACE WAS REDICULOUS!!... i have never hated somethin or someone more in my whole life then being there.... i had gotton kicked out after 5 mths... they didnt like that i was cheaking my meds... cuz i didnt want to take them anymore... i was stayn DRUG FREE... shit... they didnt want to listen to me cuz i was shot in my head.. i was apparently shot so bad in my head that i had no idea of what i was talken about... these people were dealing with someone who actually had a mind and knew how to use it... and they didnt like it ... so they kicked me out... they wanted to put me in another program... lol... so i moved to my uncles house!

current times part 4

when i was asking my uncle if i could move in with him he was like a little unsure if he should allow it or not... but he let me ... now i share a room with my cousin... and she is in HS... so like i didnt have a job... i was just collecting my SSI and SSDI... and umm i had so much spare time during the day... i was always on the computer ... cooking ... cleaning... and meeting guys being my old self in a way... but i didnt go back to drugs... yes i smoked weed... but come on... who doesnt?... lol... anyways... its not a regular thing... the last time i can say i smoked was 2 yrs ago from today... and my uncle and i went thru alot cause here i am like 25 - 26 yrs old and he is tellin me i cant sleep out at peoples houses... and i faught with him on that ... i wanted to leave... and he wanted me to leave too... but i got him to understand that i am as old as i am ... and he thought i was using his place as a hotel... and i was like umm no i aint... if i wanted to use it as a hotel all these guys would be going in the room with me and my cousin... so like whatever... this went on for like a year...





well my trial date was comin close... ya know for the shooting... so like i had to go and i was with this one kid who used to date my other cousin from a diffrent uncle... and umm i loved him cause he was HOTT and gave me attention... and i am so uncomfortable with myself now ... cause i walk with a disability from gettin shot in the head... i use braces on both legs cause i have drop foot... and i walk with a cane... (i look like a old lady)... so anyways... he gave me the time of day so i fell for it... and what girl wouldnt?... so like my trial was around the cornor... and this guy told me one day that he loved me... then the next day... he said he didnt remember sayin that to me... and i broke it off.. cause he was playn me like a fuckin fool and i let him...





so this one day my family and i was doin laundry and i was sitting outside... and this guy whom i knew from like 10 yrs ago had pulled up and started to talk to me... we exchanged numbers and things... so he left cuz i was ready to go... my aunt was like U BETTER HAVE NOT GIVEN HIM UR NUMBER...lol... i was like yes i did... she thought he was like some deraliyc cause he was wearing a hoody and drove a jeep... so like we talked after new years in 2008 and we hooked up one nite... it was our first date... we went to see a friend of mine ...and i got my christina pierced (the skin above the womans clit)..(just incase u dont know)... and i already had my nipples pierced... so like i was screaming... and that was our first date... while we went back to his house and had sex... i was thinkin in my head like ... i like him... but this is probably all he wants... so i gave it to him... and like the weekend that came up he asked me to be his girl... i said No... and then i started to fall for him more and more.. so i asked him out... he said No... he needed to ask me out... lol... so on January 13,2008 he asked me and i said YES... so we have been dating for like over a yr and a half or so.... and he is a great guy...

current times part 5

so like we have been almost everywhere.. we have done many things together... and he is just the best guy anyone can ask for... SORRY LADY'S...HE IS ALL MINE.. =0)





anyways... my trial date came and that was hard.... i had to face this guy who looked at me and told me good bye... and i was not ready for that... i could not walk thru the door without my knees buckeling... so like the judge orderd everyone to leave the court room... and so did the judge himself... and then everyone slowly came back in... while the judge told me who he was bringing in... and there he was... this evil kid who could not look me in the eyes... and had sorrow on his face... i was so scared... this only went on for like 20 minutes as i was asked questions... and so then i had to come back the next day... as i came back i was alot calmer.. cause i knew what to expect... and i was ready for anything... i felt so bad for this kid who shot me... he was all alone... dont get me wrong... he does deserve that... but no matter how wrong you have done... or what you have done in your life... NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ALONE!!!.... that is how i feel... and i forgive him for what he did to me... he had no choice at the time... and when u feel like u have power to do as you will to someone you take it... EVERYONE DOES THAT...not just with violence... but for other shit... like work and etc... ya kno!... so like my aunt was all like... ur acting like ur someone from law and order up there... lol... and i was like seriously?... and i seen some people who were just there to see what trial was goin on... people were crying... and felt so sorry for what happened... then day 3 came... and this was the sentencing day... and i was able to read what i wrote about what happened and what i wanted to tell this kid... and i dont really remember word for word... but i made alot of people cry more... i made him feel my pain...





but when we (my ex's mom and i) sat in the row behind the lawyer guy... (i cant think of the other word right now)... she was sayn to this kid that he is goin to pay big time for what he did to her son.. and he smiled so wide..like he was so proud of what he had done to him... and when he looked at me i seen that he was sorry... he even got to speek and he said that he was sorry for what he has done to me... and that just made me cry... i was shocked to hear him say that... but it made me happy to know that he was sorry... so my boyfriend has been by my side throu it all... and he has been such a great help.. my aunt is in LOVE with him... she thinks he is my soul mate... i think that too... but sometimes i think otherwise... and i am sure he does too... lol.. but what relationship is perfect?

current times part 6

so like me and my honey have been to Erie... to see his family... we been to Canada... VEGAS... Ocean City Maryland... Washington DC... umm we have done things like out of the blue just because... he has kept me wanting to see what else he has planned... i had a 3 some with him and my girl... we became stronger after that... i still want more of that... lol... umm i sent naked pix to men and he found out... we broke up for like a day... he was so upset... and i felt like a ass... but whatever...i never cheated on him... i dont plan on it... he is the first person in my life that i NEVER cheated on ... he makes me want to be a bigger and better person... my family loves him.. and i love him too... he loves that my family loves him and he loves my family...

my mom is doing GREAT!!... she has been with this new guy for almost a year or so... and has a job now for like 6 mths... and they love her... they want to promote her ... she is getting all her shit together... I AM SO FREAKIN PROUD OF THIS WOMAN... SHE HAS BEEN THROU HELL AND BACK... but hey THATS LIFE... SHIT HAPPENS!... people make mistakes and it takes alot to learn from them...

what made me learn is gettin shot in the head... I PRAISE THE KID WHO DID IT... i have been with my company i work for ... for over a year and i am trying to do online college for Psycology (idk if i spelled that right)... i am doin alot for myself... and I THANK MY FAMILY FOR BEING THERE...

NOW I AM MORE CURRENT AND I CAN START BLOGGING ABOUT DAY TO DAY THINGS... THINK YOU WILL LIKE MY BOOK???