just to let everyone know...

from what i am writting and telling everyone... i need you to know that i am not trying to make my mom or myself to look bad... (well mostly my mom)... she is a wonderful person aside from what she had done in her past... everyone knows or should know that people do change... and its mostly for the better.... Now... i need to tell you all that being the age i was... (teens)... i knew my rights from my wrongs... i knew many things... cause it comes with common sense... now... because my mom had done wrong... it does not mean that i had to follow... and i should have made many more better choices... but that is the gift of growing up and learning... if you cant learn from your own mistakes then i am not sure what i can do for you... i know that i did not learn from my mistakes during the period of which i am writting about rite now...but i have learned from them now... and you will all see and know more of how and why when i continue to post my blogs... THANK YOU...

Starting Point

well lets start from the beginning (at least from when i was old enough to remember things)... i remember being 4 yrs old and living with my grandmother, my mom and my uncle... now my uncle was a drunk/drug user... my mom was the same... my mom was in and out of my life... NEVER had met my dad... we lived in Linden,NJ... and i was so close to my grandma that where ever she was i was... she was my best friend... i remember my little hot pink color chair with the picture on the back of it....and sitting outside on the porch with her... as she would give me a bowl of apple slices and orange slices with tons of surgar on em.... that was the life.... i had friends who lived next door to me whom i would play with all the time.... and a old man whom lived upstairs ... he always let me play with the philsbury doughboy doll thing he had.... when he passed away his daughter had given me it so i can play with it... i was always out side with no shoes... stepping on slugs... and playing in dirt and mudd..... collecting worms... "Oh that was the good life!"... one day i remember that i was going to bed... and when i woke up in the morning i wanted something to eat... i was trying to wake up grandma who was next to me (cause i slept with her)... she was so cold... i put a sheet on her to make her warm... i went to the kichen tried to get somethin to eat... then a knock was at the door... i pushed my grandmas chair next to the door... i had my little pink chair and put that next to grandma's ... and i climbed up and unlocked the door... i had to pull the chain off and unlock the dead-bult.... it was my friends from next door... i told em to get their grandma cause mine would not wake up... so then their grandma told us to go into her apartment ... we went in... then all of a sudden i seen my aunt come over... i seen my mom running thru the door (now this was all in time)... my moms boyfriend came over after my whole family was there... and he took me out to get ice cream cause apparently GOD was coming down to take grandma away... so when we got to the ice cream place... (i was bare foot) my moms boyfriend closed my foot in the car door...(that hurt!)... (it did not brake cause it was not that hard... but it still hurt)... i remember my grandma's fake leg she had... (she alwats would scare me with it.. and i always went to smoke her cigaretts that she had lit)... i remember all the good funnt things ... she was so beautiful... and young.. but she had alot of problems.... i dont know much of what was wrong... but she is in such a better place... and my family has alot of guilt for her death

Continue...

so now that you know the start of it all.... lets talk about more things that have happend up until this point in my life... (BELIEVE YOU ME... THIS GETS MORE EXCITING AND INTERESTING AS MY LIFE CONTINUES!)... well after my grandmother passed away... my mom decided that it would be a nice idea to move to Florida to her friends house... and i remember gettin stung in the head by a bee like 3 times.... and red ants crawled all up my legs and bit me... (that was horrible... i got sprayed with the water hose to get them off me).... i drove the lawn mower (that was cool)... i went to school in a trailer... (that was weird)... i was goin to the bathroom and a mouse was in there... (i was so scared)... then one night i remember hearing a very loud noise in the next room from where i was sleeping.... it turns out that my moms friends brother whom my mom was seeing while we were staying there SHOT himself in the head with his rifle!!... he was upset that my mom wanted to go back to NJ and he didnt want us to leave... and she was like sorry but we are going... and so that was my second death that i was around or should i say exposed to... at this time i am still like 4-5 or 6 yrs old.... so i dont remember too much after that... i just remember being home... and my mom took me all around... we lived with diffrent people... and she was still doin her thing.... but at that age i didnt know what was goin on...





my mom was now dating a new guy... "DICK"... he was nice... he looked like Nirvana... (apparently this guy was a DOPE head)... he was cool... he tried to teach my to play guitar.... didnt work... but he tried... i got so sick while we were staying with him and his parents... i ran a 107 fever and boy it was bad when i could not make it to the bathroom to puke... i have no clue what was wrong with me... but then i was better after like a few days or a week.... another time i was getting somethin out the car and i closed my hand in the door and the door was somewhat closed on my hand.... i screamed so loud that my mom heard me over the blow dryer and all the windows in the house were closed... i was 7 yrs old... boy did i let a yell out... i have no clue if other people from other homes on the block came to see if i was ok... but my mom was outside in like 2 minutes... at this time also i made my communion from the catholic church in Kenilworth... that was a good time for me... (i am far from being Catholic or even following the Catholic Religion)... i also got caught over my aunts house smoking a cigarette... oh boy i was in so much trouble... i thought i was goin to be beat to death by my mom or aunt at that time... so after that one day Gene was in his room with a friend of his... and not knowing i could not do so..i walked into his room cause i heard him playing his guitar and i wanted to play mine... he chased me out of the room and hit me in the back of my leg with his belt... and i had a huge bruise on my calf muscle from him... he told my mom i was running up the stairs and fell so i hurt myself... after i told my mom what he did to me... she believed him... she would never believe me...

add on...

when i was a baby... my uncle was such a drunk... but i was like his everything... he loved me... he always wanted to hold me... and supposedly this one day when i was still like a we-little baby... he was so drunk that my mom told him that he cant hold me ... and i was sleeping in my crib... and he said "oh yea!... FINE!"... he took his fist and slammed it down into my crib/play pen and missed my head by like a inch... and my mom wacked him with a pan... (she liked doin that for some reason... lol)... umm but i was ok... and he had a nice lump... so whatever... but as i was gettin older... he would take me on walks... and make me call colored people porch monkeys and so i would call people that all the time... he was very racists... and i am so far from being that way... its not even funny... I LOVE PEOPLE... ANY SHAPE, SIZE, OR COLOR!.. he is somewhat diffrent today... i also used to get taught things like what head lice was and i asked some lady at the grocery store if she had eggs... and she was like yea... she showed me her eggs she bought and i was like NO NO ... and i pointed to my hair and was like EGGS EGGS... lol... the lady looked at my mom or whomever i was with and was like umm you need to teach her somethin diffrent... and before my grandma died... i was gettin potty trained....and my grandmother was teaching me about all diffrent animals.. and so my first poo i called it a snake.. lmao!!... good times ... good times... so... yea... this is a add on from my first post...

Continue part 2...

so we moved to Elizabeth now...Gene lived in Roselle... i had moved into my aunts friends house... in the basement... and umm that was when i seen my first penis... lmao... a friend of mine who i liked and he liked me was goin to the bathroom and i hid inside the hamper and i watched him pee.... ha ha ha... (thinkin back at this stuff is funny... your welcome for the laugh)... and of course i showed my stuff too... ha ha... i went to a camp called green acres around the cornor from my house... and i got into a fight with someone cause i liked her brother and he liked me but then it didnt work out ...(mind u i am like 7 or 8yrs old)... and umm i broke up with him to date this other kid who was like the bad boy of the camp and he was older... but he was so HOTT... and umm i remember he gave me my first kiss... and i was in heaven!... lol... and from the basement of the house we moved to the attic... and my mom was dating this guy named Dave at this time... he was a DOPE head too... i broke a piece of my tooth off in this place from rolling off the bed... and one day i was outside with his little girl and my mom and we were playing with a ball... and the ball had rolled down the driveway and into the street by the curb next to a parked car that was not even on... and he seen her go get the ball and grabbed me by the hair and dragged me up 3 flights of stairs and threw me into my room and beat the shit out of me... and my mom tried to stop him.. and he threw her down a flight of stairs... my moms leg was broke... and i had little cuts and a bruise... but i was fine... and then umm my mom hit him in the head with a pan... lol.. knocked him out... so that was that... we moved into a diffrent place around the cornor... i tried to run away from home... but i got scared... lol... i also got robbed by one of my friends brothers when i was going to the store for my mom... and i ended up getting my money back cause i told my mom and we went to their house and he got into alot of trouble...