quick blog

i write this all so that everyone can see that everyone goes thru something in their lives... no matter how fucked up your life is or was... YOU can make a diffrence ... IF YOU TRY... now i could have easily went back to doing drugs again... but i made a choice between haven my family or not haven my family... (I CHOOSE FAMILY)...

now what i was tryn to say in the first paragraph there ... is that i had more then enough chances to go back to doing drugs... when i was still somewhat paralized... (but learnin how to walk) i was able to leave the Extended Recovery Unit and stay home for a night... so i was with my mom and her boyfriend... they had letf to get some groceries ... and i was waiting for them to come back... when they had finally came home after like 2 hours and brang in only 5 bags i was wondering what the hell took so long... yeah... guess what?!!... they got drugs... and i knew this cuz her boyfriend was following her around the house and they stayed in the kitchen as i was in the living room...and i called this dealer who is a friend... and i cried and told him that i need to stay somewhere for the night cuz i cant be around that... so i took a bath i was tellin my mom y did she have to do that... and it was nothin... so like i went to T's house... and spent the night... he didnt show me drugs... he kept me in the room and took care of me... we talked and talked and talked... he is a great overall guy... he is just caught up in the game cuz its easy money... and umm i told him so many times that he can find a job... and work like a real man ...and do for his kid and things like that without gettin caught by cops.. going in and out of jail... but like i said ... its too easy for him to get money with the drug world out there... i could not call my aunt or uncle or anyone to come get me ... i was scared to get my mom introuble... i didnt want that to happen... so i thought by being by someone who i trusted wud be cool... and you can give me a lie detector test or anything else... I DID NOT GO BACK TO DRUGS... and believe you me... i would have possibly done it if i didnt care for myself.... but i value what i have anymore... cause my family and boyfriend is with me now to show me how much it means to be thankful for what i have...



its sad that some people make it a job for themselves to help enable others to get high and kill themselves... but they make lots of money... and its like a rush ... cuz u know ur bound to get caught by the cops... you know your doing somethin wrong... but its exciting for most people... and i feel bad for the ones who do get high... cuz its somethin they got into cuz of lonelyness... or cuz it ran in the family... or some are looking for a excuse to give way of their problems... and its hard for someone on the outside to understand... its easier if you been there and done that... or even if your family member is going thru it...but yet some people are blind to it... and ignorant to the idea that one can harm themselves like that...



my aunt sometimes does not get it... like y my mom started ... or y i got involved... but its those you choose to be around... and you make that first choice if you want to do it... and most people will say that smoking weed is a gateway... NO... WRONG ANSWER... i can smoke weed all day and night and feel fine... i would not want anything else... but my aunt thinks like someone wud want a stronger high... YES .. she is rite... but most cases people like to smoke weed and mix it with a drink and get all stupid... fall asleep... eat food... laugh... whatever... but everyone is diffrent with that... and its hard to explain it to someone who does not know what happens to someone if they dont go thru it... i have tried to explain to my aunt how it works... but i cant... i try to but then when i talk about it my heart like beats so fast... i feel all sick... i hate that feeling... thinkin or talkin about it gets me sick... JUST TO EVEN KNOW THAT I DID IT MAKES ME SICK!... i wont forget what it made you feel like... and i dont want to do it again... AINT GONNA LIE THAT I DONT THINK OF IT... CUZ I DO... but i WONT... i care too much about what i have in my life...

Continue part 3

so now i believe this time i moved into my great grandparents house in Kenilworth ... and attended Harding School.... now i had to be like 9 or so by now.... and umm my mom was so in and out of my life at this point... she left me more then a few times alone with my great grandparents... and i was becoming rebellious against my family... and did many stupid things... i tried to over dose with Tylenol... my great grandpa died and this was my first funeral i went to and i cried so hard when i seen him... and i made my great grandma cry... i remember dating a kid who was like 4 yrs older then me... and he wanted to make me do things at a young age... but i didnt do it cause i was scared... i played with the Ouja Board... i felt like i made connections with spirits... ( i was so stupid)... but somethin FREAKY did happen... one nite... i was laying in bed and i woke up cause i heard a noise... and so i was like OMG... i was crying and could not move.. i heard music playing in my basement... and i heard people talking and walkin up and down my stairs... and walking in and out the screen door only... and so then somethin walked all the way up the stairs and came to my door... and i seen a figure of something and it said good nite to me and my mom ... and it said i love you... it walked into where my aunt was sleeping with my great grandmother and said the same things... and i told my mom the next day what happend... of course she didnt believe me ... so she waited to hear it that nite as i slept at a friends house ... and umm she called me the next day and told me she heard it that time... so i was like yea... i was tellin the truth... and she was like lets see if it happens again tonite... so i was like ok... and we waited... it was like 12:30 or 1 am (the same time each nite).. and so we heard it.. so my mom gets out of the bed and turns the lights on to the basement... and the music stops...so she is callin down there and no one answers... so i try to get my dog to go down there and OH NO... she ran into my bedroom and hid under my bed... cause somethin was there... and i knew it... but there was nothin i could do.. and from that nite on .. it never happened again... i had 3 cats and one died... that was a sad day in my life... i also burried a kitten that died at birth.. ='( and my mom got locked up when i was 12... i had to talk to the schools pyshc. ... and she had told my aunt that i had alot of problems and that i needed to be on lots of meds and i need to be in a special school... and my aunt told her that she is FUCKED up in the head and needs to apologise to me cause ... yea i have issues... my mom is locked up!... and i was in 6th grade... how does a child act to that?!... so she apologised to me... and when my mom came home from jail... we had to start seeing a in office type pysch.... and that didnt work out to well.... (my mom was locked up for having 8 things of coke on her)... and so yea... this is the time my great grandma was gettin sick... and she died... when she died i didnt show that i cared up until it was the last day i seen her in the casket alone and i cried my heart out to her... (she was mean... but i still loved her).. and i learned more about what my mom was doing... and i found home made crack pipes in her stockings... and brought them to my aunt and uncle and they talked to my mom.... and my mom hated me for finding them.... and she yelled at me to not go thru her things... and so we had to kinda leave my great grandparents house cause my aunt wanted to sell it... and so i moved in with my oldest uncle... and left my mom ... i seen the look on her face that she was sad... but at the same time she didnt care... i wont forget that look...

Continue part 4

while living with my uncle and his 4 kids ... i have become a bad girl... i smoked weed ... i was with a new boyfriend... and lost my virginity to someone whom i hardly knew... and my cousins didnt care!.. a cousins boyfriend tried to get with me and started a whole bunch of shit.... i was looked down upon from my cousins and their mom.... when she went shopping for them... she NEVER bought me anything.... and i tried to move back to my mom... and thats when the MOST INTERESTING THINGS STARTED.... i became a whore... (basically i loved to have sex)... it was the best feeling in the world to me.... and i was happy that i was able to do it with so many people... and i didnt think of it... i was like FUCK IT!... (this was age 14)... i was now living in Dunellen and i went to school there... so i didnt have many friends at this point... and cause things were not going well with my uncle and his family i decided to move back to my mom...