not sure of things

idk y someone feels like they can throw shit in my face about what happened in my life 4yrs ago or more... if i dont rub shit in ur face that u have done to me... then y the hell would u do that to me??... yes i know i fucked up in my life... i know it took me 2 shots to the head with a 9mm to make me change... i know that i had my aunt and uncle to fall back on... and now a boyfriend... but i tried to tell this person who knocked me down... that i was proud of her... i believed she was doin the right thing... the only thing she did wrong was be around ppl who r NO FUCKING GOOD!!.. y put urself around these ppl who will only bring u down??... i understand that she has no other person to fall back on when she needs a ride to work... or a place to rest her head in peace... but at the same time ... u have a job... u can get to work on time if u take the bus routes right... and if u REALLY WANT TO DO IT U WILL!!!... DO NOT FUCKIN TELL ME ANY DIFFRENT!!... i know what i am talken about.... I BEEN THRU HELL AND BACK... but i am maken a better life for myself... yes because i have help... but also i PROVED to the ones who r helping me now that i DESERVE their help... i am NOT who i was 4 yrs ago!!... and the shit i put u thru... NO REVERSE THAT... WHAT ABOUT ALL THE DAMN SHIT U PUT ME THRU????!!!!!.... this is somethin i been dealing with my whole life.. and i am gettin more tired of it as life goes on... and i am tryn to accomplish more in my life then i ever have or wanted to do... i am starting college (online) for myself at the end of this month... i am still with the same guy for almost 2 yrs in January... now he is a big part in my life... since i been with him... i have been a very diffrent person... i mean its funny how i actually changed for him... yea i fucked up once i got caught sending naked pix of myself to men... but i NEVER physically cheated on him... and i keep shit real with him as well.. i let him know what is on my mind... and what i hate but love at the same time is that he makes me talk to him when i dont want to... but i do ... lol... and when i tell him i get angry... i cry ... i let all of what i feel out... i lash out on what he does... i also scream about what my family does... and i hurt ppl... but at the same time... they KNOW I LOVE THEM... and i am not sayn those things to hurt them....

but anyways... yea.. talk about what i was sayn when i first started to write... i made a pact with that person to never bring up the past... we will see how well that lasts.. and i doubt that it will make a diffrence...

i tried to talk to a diffrent family member like a few weeks back... cuz some HIGH SCHOOL BULLSHIT .. OF HE SAID SHE SAID happend... and i was talken to her... and i was sayn how like there has to be a reason that i am still alive... and i think its to get my family back together... but i dont think that will happen.. my aunt like always has somethin negative to say about the one side of the family... but she is right with most things... i dont blame her... but sometimes u need to be in that persons shoes to know y they do what they do... i try to explain that... but its hard... and the only one that we really need to be there for on that side is my uncle her older brother... (i live with the younger brother)... so yea... i need to start calling that uncle more ... and gettin involved with him.. i cant help him financially... cuz i dont have it... (i been spending money like fuckin crazy).. i need to save it... i can buy him some gas in his jeep... i can get him cigs if he needs em... but i cant spend like 2700 on a electric bill... i cant buy 400 in groceries... his house needs to be cleaned... he has 4 daughters... u think they help?... NO they dont... and its wrong... one says well she dont do it... y should i??... and all this shit.. (sounds like me with the one i live with)... but its diffrent... cuz my place dont get that bad.. its too small for that shit... he has a house with like 2 floors... if they all worked together on things they can do it... but choose not too... i need to bring my grandma and great grandparents back from the dead to get this family back together... or get their spirit and strength in me to help... i need to start goin to church.. i need to continue what i am doin in my life now.. so that i can be someone in 5 yrs... and actually have the life i should have made 8yrs ago...