current times part 1

now mind you my shooting was March 24,2006... after i was able to leave ICU i went to BTU in a diffent hospital... this is where they started all my therapy for me... i had no hair... i looked like oscar the grouch with my eye brows all full not waxed... skinny as anything with a buzz cut on my head... i was paralized so they had to lift me out of the bed to put me in my wheelchair... and then put me in this machine that made you stand tall... so you can get that feeling of standing again... they made me look in a body mirror to see how my stance was in this thing... i would cry so bad cause i looked so horrible... i told them to get that fuckin thing out of my face... i know what i look like i dont need to see it anymore!... i flipped out on these people... i know they were doin their job.. but they dont know what it feels like...and its hard to explain to someone how it feels... cause you need to feel it for urself... so then like everyday we were always working on things to get my motions/feeling back... (quick thought...i had many visitors and met alot of interesting people) so like in the morning they needed to get me in the showers... that was just weird havin someone other then my family bathe me... and change my diapers... (cuz of being paralized i could not feel when i had to pee... or poo... and that was embarrasing)... i had been at the most lowest point in my life at this time... i had only the hospital clothes that were on my back... and my address was whatever it was for the hospital and my room number... fucked up shit right?!.... during this time of healing and being in this hospital and talking to people... goin thru therapy was hard... i haven realized until today (3 yrs later)... that what i been thru was horrible... and so tramatic... that i must be a strong person to be who i am today... so like being in the hospital and all that again... i learned to get myself out of bed again... i learned to wash my own body... i took my first 10 steps with a rolling walker with my physical therapist... i was so mad that he made me walk.. but it felt good... i remember that day cause it was later when my aunt came to see me... and i told her to watch what i could do... i lifted my one leg... she was so happy that she cried... she left the room with joy and then came to me and held me so tight... and she was so happy... she didnt stop with me that day... she kept pushin me and pushin me to work my legs and my arm... and man that was so tireing... lol... but hey if it was not for her and my other family members to be there by my side everyday and help me... i cant honestly tell you where i would be right now...

current times part 2

so like i was in the BTU for like a month and a half... (btw i was in ICU for like 3 weeks)... i moved to an Extended Recovery Unit at a diffent place... this is where i had spent like 7 mths at... that was freakin HELL!!... now let me tell you... i have met my worst enimes (i spelled that wrong too) here at this place... but i had also made my own little family with some of the people that actually have to live there... i heard alot of stories in how they got there... very interesting with most of them... i can tell you what happend... i cant say who they are... and you will realize how fucked up some people can be... and it does not have to be your fault either...



there was this woman who was in the next room from me... she was in her motorized wheelchair from being in a accident... she is like quadrapaligic from the head down... she can talk somewhat but its hard to understand... she has been there over 10 yrs now... her husband was driving and a drunk driver ran a red light and hit the passanger side in which she was sitting... it was horrible... her husband left her after a year and he divorced her... had married some other woman and now has a baby with that woman... FUCKED UP!!!... ooh man i wanted to kill this guy every time i seen him... that is wrong!... if you love someone no matter what happens to them... u should be by their side! ... i was friends with her... but its hard to understand what she says at times so i would always be off doin my own thing...



there was this time when i was out side have a smoke with some buddies... i came upstairs and there was a hoy-lift (somethin they use to lift heavy people out of the bed with to put them in their wheelchair... and i seen that a fuckin CNA (a nurses assistant) was goin thru my drawer and took out my hair brush... i was like ... "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING??... GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT NOW BITCH!"... oh boy this woman got me fuckin heated!!... i was screamin to get her out ... she was scared!... LMAO... and i went and told the head of the nurses what happened... and this BITCH lied to her... she told her that somethin fell off my dresser and she picked it up and put it back... i was like ... YOUR A FUCKIN LIAR... AND IF I CATCH YOU DO SOME SHIT LIKE THAT AGAIN ... SO HELP YOU GOD... I WILL FUCK U UP!!... man i went thru so much shit i this place with these people... i will save it all for my book...

current times part 3

so like i worked out everyday ... i did what i had to do ... to get out of this place... and so like after my 7 mths... i moved to this Independant Living Place... now this place was like LOCKDOWN... i was like OH HELL NO.... i had to report everyone coming thru to see me... i had to have people watch me cook my own dinner... and my roomate who was like 10 times my size would say that i was stealing her fuckin clothes... THIS PLACE WAS REDICULOUS!!... i have never hated somethin or someone more in my whole life then being there.... i had gotton kicked out after 5 mths... they didnt like that i was cheaking my meds... cuz i didnt want to take them anymore... i was stayn DRUG FREE... shit... they didnt want to listen to me cuz i was shot in my head.. i was apparently shot so bad in my head that i had no idea of what i was talken about... these people were dealing with someone who actually had a mind and knew how to use it... and they didnt like it ... so they kicked me out... they wanted to put me in another program... lol... so i moved to my uncles house!

current times part 4

when i was asking my uncle if i could move in with him he was like a little unsure if he should allow it or not... but he let me ... now i share a room with my cousin... and she is in HS... so like i didnt have a job... i was just collecting my SSI and SSDI... and umm i had so much spare time during the day... i was always on the computer ... cooking ... cleaning... and meeting guys being my old self in a way... but i didnt go back to drugs... yes i smoked weed... but come on... who doesnt?... lol... anyways... its not a regular thing... the last time i can say i smoked was 2 yrs ago from today... and my uncle and i went thru alot cause here i am like 25 - 26 yrs old and he is tellin me i cant sleep out at peoples houses... and i faught with him on that ... i wanted to leave... and he wanted me to leave too... but i got him to understand that i am as old as i am ... and he thought i was using his place as a hotel... and i was like umm no i aint... if i wanted to use it as a hotel all these guys would be going in the room with me and my cousin... so like whatever... this went on for like a year...





well my trial date was comin close... ya know for the shooting... so like i had to go and i was with this one kid who used to date my other cousin from a diffrent uncle... and umm i loved him cause he was HOTT and gave me attention... and i am so uncomfortable with myself now ... cause i walk with a disability from gettin shot in the head... i use braces on both legs cause i have drop foot... and i walk with a cane... (i look like a old lady)... so anyways... he gave me the time of day so i fell for it... and what girl wouldnt?... so like my trial was around the cornor... and this guy told me one day that he loved me... then the next day... he said he didnt remember sayin that to me... and i broke it off.. cause he was playn me like a fuckin fool and i let him...





so this one day my family and i was doin laundry and i was sitting outside... and this guy whom i knew from like 10 yrs ago had pulled up and started to talk to me... we exchanged numbers and things... so he left cuz i was ready to go... my aunt was like U BETTER HAVE NOT GIVEN HIM UR NUMBER...lol... i was like yes i did... she thought he was like some deraliyc cause he was wearing a hoody and drove a jeep... so like we talked after new years in 2008 and we hooked up one nite... it was our first date... we went to see a friend of mine ...and i got my christina pierced (the skin above the womans clit)..(just incase u dont know)... and i already had my nipples pierced... so like i was screaming... and that was our first date... while we went back to his house and had sex... i was thinkin in my head like ... i like him... but this is probably all he wants... so i gave it to him... and like the weekend that came up he asked me to be his girl... i said No... and then i started to fall for him more and more.. so i asked him out... he said No... he needed to ask me out... lol... so on January 13,2008 he asked me and i said YES... so we have been dating for like over a yr and a half or so.... and he is a great guy...

current times part 5

so like we have been almost everywhere.. we have done many things together... and he is just the best guy anyone can ask for... SORRY LADY'S...HE IS ALL MINE.. =0)





anyways... my trial date came and that was hard.... i had to face this guy who looked at me and told me good bye... and i was not ready for that... i could not walk thru the door without my knees buckeling... so like the judge orderd everyone to leave the court room... and so did the judge himself... and then everyone slowly came back in... while the judge told me who he was bringing in... and there he was... this evil kid who could not look me in the eyes... and had sorrow on his face... i was so scared... this only went on for like 20 minutes as i was asked questions... and so then i had to come back the next day... as i came back i was alot calmer.. cause i knew what to expect... and i was ready for anything... i felt so bad for this kid who shot me... he was all alone... dont get me wrong... he does deserve that... but no matter how wrong you have done... or what you have done in your life... NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ALONE!!!.... that is how i feel... and i forgive him for what he did to me... he had no choice at the time... and when u feel like u have power to do as you will to someone you take it... EVERYONE DOES THAT...not just with violence... but for other shit... like work and etc... ya kno!... so like my aunt was all like... ur acting like ur someone from law and order up there... lol... and i was like seriously?... and i seen some people who were just there to see what trial was goin on... people were crying... and felt so sorry for what happened... then day 3 came... and this was the sentencing day... and i was able to read what i wrote about what happened and what i wanted to tell this kid... and i dont really remember word for word... but i made alot of people cry more... i made him feel my pain...





but when we (my ex's mom and i) sat in the row behind the lawyer guy... (i cant think of the other word right now)... she was sayn to this kid that he is goin to pay big time for what he did to her son.. and he smiled so wide..like he was so proud of what he had done to him... and when he looked at me i seen that he was sorry... he even got to speek and he said that he was sorry for what he has done to me... and that just made me cry... i was shocked to hear him say that... but it made me happy to know that he was sorry... so my boyfriend has been by my side throu it all... and he has been such a great help.. my aunt is in LOVE with him... she thinks he is my soul mate... i think that too... but sometimes i think otherwise... and i am sure he does too... lol.. but what relationship is perfect?

current times part 6

so like me and my honey have been to Erie... to see his family... we been to Canada... VEGAS... Ocean City Maryland... Washington DC... umm we have done things like out of the blue just because... he has kept me wanting to see what else he has planned... i had a 3 some with him and my girl... we became stronger after that... i still want more of that... lol... umm i sent naked pix to men and he found out... we broke up for like a day... he was so upset... and i felt like a ass... but whatever...i never cheated on him... i dont plan on it... he is the first person in my life that i NEVER cheated on ... he makes me want to be a bigger and better person... my family loves him.. and i love him too... he loves that my family loves him and he loves my family...

my mom is doing GREAT!!... she has been with this new guy for almost a year or so... and has a job now for like 6 mths... and they love her... they want to promote her ... she is getting all her shit together... I AM SO FREAKIN PROUD OF THIS WOMAN... SHE HAS BEEN THROU HELL AND BACK... but hey THATS LIFE... SHIT HAPPENS!... people make mistakes and it takes alot to learn from them...

what made me learn is gettin shot in the head... I PRAISE THE KID WHO DID IT... i have been with my company i work for ... for over a year and i am trying to do online college for Psycology (idk if i spelled that right)... i am doin alot for myself... and I THANK MY FAMILY FOR BEING THERE...

NOW I AM MORE CURRENT AND I CAN START BLOGGING ABOUT DAY TO DAY THINGS... THINK YOU WILL LIKE MY BOOK???