current times part 1

now mind you my shooting was March 24,2006... after i was able to leave ICU i went to BTU in a diffent hospital... this is where they started all my therapy for me... i had no hair... i looked like oscar the grouch with my eye brows all full not waxed... skinny as anything with a buzz cut on my head... i was paralized so they had to lift me out of the bed to put me in my wheelchair... and then put me in this machine that made you stand tall... so you can get that feeling of standing again... they made me look in a body mirror to see how my stance was in this thing... i would cry so bad cause i looked so horrible... i told them to get that fuckin thing out of my face... i know what i look like i dont need to see it anymore!... i flipped out on these people... i know they were doin their job.. but they dont know what it feels like...and its hard to explain to someone how it feels... cause you need to feel it for urself... so then like everyday we were always working on things to get my motions/feeling back... (quick thought...i had many visitors and met alot of interesting people) so like in the morning they needed to get me in the showers... that was just weird havin someone other then my family bathe me... and change my diapers... (cuz of being paralized i could not feel when i had to pee... or poo... and that was embarrasing)... i had been at the most lowest point in my life at this time... i had only the hospital clothes that were on my back... and my address was whatever it was for the hospital and my room number... fucked up shit right?!.... during this time of healing and being in this hospital and talking to people... goin thru therapy was hard... i haven realized until today (3 yrs later)... that what i been thru was horrible... and so tramatic... that i must be a strong person to be who i am today... so like being in the hospital and all that again... i learned to get myself out of bed again... i learned to wash my own body... i took my first 10 steps with a rolling walker with my physical therapist... i was so mad that he made me walk.. but it felt good... i remember that day cause it was later when my aunt came to see me... and i told her to watch what i could do... i lifted my one leg... she was so happy that she cried... she left the room with joy and then came to me and held me so tight... and she was so happy... she didnt stop with me that day... she kept pushin me and pushin me to work my legs and my arm... and man that was so tireing... lol... but hey if it was not for her and my other family members to be there by my side everyday and help me... i cant honestly tell you where i would be right now...