As Time Goes By... I let you back in... Y?

Its been over 4 yrs since it has all happend to me... I can remember going back a little over 10 yrs ago... and i remember how i used to be.... i was the biggest flirt... i didnt care if i just met u 2 seconds ago i was already in ur pants... I see things today with the younger generation and i see how much worse it is then it was when i was their age... i remember all that i have been thru... i remember what i put others thru... i remember what i thought and how judgemental i was to others when i was doin the same shit... how do you approach the young ones today??!... how do u make them see that what they are doin now is not what they will be doing in 10 yrs... because they will have nothing... unless they get a wake up call like me... but i "dont think" that they will survive something like i have... it is horrible when i think about how i was so quick to judge and still do today but not much... because i KNOW i am BETTER then them and others... I HAVE MY SHIT TOGETHER... i may not have my finances in order... but i sure do have my life where it needs to be... i mite talk to some ppl who should not even get to hear me breathe... but i am that one who will be there for someone in a heartbeat.... i am that true friend... who will always forgive you just to get you back in my life...

Just Because Its Been So Long...

I have to begin by sayn i had a whole fukin this written down... and i clicked on a stupid part of this page and lost all of what i wrote!.. UGH!!... FML!!!... anyways... its been a while since i last wrote somethin... so i thought about it and i thought i should write somethin to brush you all up on what has been goin on... i started college as you know in September last year... i had 4 classes thus far and i been breezin thru them almost like its nothin... so ENC-101 i had a B... SOS-101 *Living In The Information Age* i had a A... and ENC-102... the mentor can suck my non-exsistant DICK!... i am not sure but i think i got a D... and PSY-101 i have a B+... my enc-102 was low because of a research paper i did... and i did not choose the right subject ... but the mentor lead me to believe that everything was cool until i wrote my final paper and got a 35 which was counted as 50% of the grade... whatever... too much to talk about with that one... dont wanna get into it... my psyc class... i cheated and NO -ONE knew... lol... but now i feel guilty... cuz i dont know anything about that class... i am now in Intro to Anthropology and Self Assestment Career Explaination course... i am sure i can get thru ANT-101 with no problems... but this other class sucks balls!!!... i wish i had a pair for this class to suck on... boy oh boy... its like why do they make you take this asshole courses??!... and they require you to do soo fuckin much for em too... i just started these two classes the 1st of april... and they will be over on 6/24 which is fine with me... then i take 2 mths off for summer and start again in september... but now i need to be searching for ways to go to school for free... this sucks that i applied for Sallie Mae... and Fin Aid is payin like 1200... whatever!... i should be able to go to school for free!!... i was shot in the fuckin head 2 times and survived!... there has to be a grant for that... or somethin for a 27 (soon to be 28 on the 29th of April) young woman with a disability... and I STILL WORK AT THIS ASSHOLE FUCKIN JOB THAT I HATE.. I AM GETTIN SO SICK AND TIRED OF!...

OH... GOOD NEWS!!!... I DID BUY A CAR FOR THE 2 ND TIME IN MY LIFE... BUT 1ST TIME I INSURED IT UNDER MY NAME... i have to get hand controls which will be on there shortly... =)

i am still with Matt... the love of my life... 2 yrs... 3 mths... yay!!... i am 4 yrs and 1 mth sober!!!... and goin to college... HOW IS THIS ALL POSSIBLE FOR ME??!... LOL... i am currently seeing a therapist for my many thoughts and anxiety... she is pretty cool... she mite read this blog so i have to make her feel good... lol... <3 u!...

umm yea... so like i been feelin down and out a lot of stress... its too much for me to handle... i moved in with matt... so i am gettin used to being with a guy who is actually worth keeping... i guess its too much to handle... but I DO IT!... =)

good day for now... UNTIL NEXT TIME...

Somethin On My Mind

Drugs have made a very big input on my life... and others as well... because I was a drug user... i was shot in the head 2 times... and almost lost my life... it was not worth it... and i am thankful that i am still here to go on and finish my life... but some ppl are not so lucky... there has been a few deaths this year of ppl i know/knew... due to over dose... and now my moms ex is in the hospital ... his heart is not right... his liver is fucked... and is on blood thinners for the rest of his life... he also was diagnosed with emphysema... which makes it worse... not only that he had bronchitis... and i will be goin to visit him tonight... he has been in the hospital since friday last week... i hope that he makes it out ok... but u never know what can happen... and it will be hard to deal with if he does pass away... he was not a great person at times... but i can remember the good he had done for my mother and i... he took us in when we had no place to live... he made me go back to high school to finish my schooling... he tried to teach me how to respect him and others... but i was too old for him to teach me all of that... i was stuck in my own little ways... and i told him to go fuck himself more then a couple of times... but once i did get older .. i called him and cried to him one day ... i told him ... that i was sorry for ever being so mean... and i told him thank you for teaching me some things... its never too late to tell someone how u feel... and i hope that he knows that... i will re-assure him of all this when i visit him... cuz maybe this time he will listen to me... who knows... cuz i know that i was not listening to anyone b4 i got shot... maybe this time cuz he knows he is goin down... that he will listen... i pray that he will be ok...

SHITTY DAY

my day was so shitty... i lost a member of the family... i went thru a tough time dealing with access link... but thank god for family and my baby Matt... i love him soo much!!... he is the best... i just hope that he will be here for me thru more shit coming soon into my life.. i will be so stressed... i have school starting... i have a interview with a new job... i have alot goin on... and it sux... and i know my attitude will be horrible.. i just hope i can manage it around the ones who mean the most to me... but its hard to do that... cuz u know that when ur talken to ur loved ones the way ur not supposed to... u just know that u can say FUCK OFF and they will still be there when u say ur sorry... (and actually mean it... dont just say it)...

but yea... i needed to blog this b4 i forgot... thanks for all your support.. =/

THIS SUCKS!

well i owe SSI some money ... apparently they over paid me... and i feel that they fucked up and not me... so... now i need to see what i can do to fight that... maybe try to get a phone record from last year to prove that i called them... but idk how to go about that... but i will have my baby help me... like he always does... =)

its nice to know that i have someone in my life who puts up with all the bullshit... and still loves me the same from the first day... (i am daydreaming of our love maken rite now)... he is great!!... =) (cant wait for the clock to say 5!)

anyways... umm yea so that is goin on right now... and i am also supposed to be startin school very soon... i called them to see if i had everything.. which is probably too late to ask... but whatever... apparently there was somethin that someone seen when the admin dept was looking at my file... and sent me over to financial aid... but idk what is goin on... i need to find out.. i been haven like acid indigestion lately cuz of all this bullshit goin on... and me over thinkin things...

and i dont remember if i wrote that i am gettin surgery done on my knee... and idk how that is goin to be.... i am scared... but at the same time i will feel better knowing... so idk... anyways... i am goin to go... i will blog more later

life is hard

Well you would think your life is stable after 55 yrs... until 27 yrs at being in a company your boss tells you good-bye... how do u take that???... how does your family take that??... what do you say to that person beside tellin them that your there??

i have a lot of shit goin on in my life... i am tryn to get back into school... i took financial aid plus loans to help pay for school.. i am now in DEBT for the rest of my life... maybe if i land a good job with my major it will all pay for its self... and i will be good... we will see... ALSO i owe social security over $2,000 cause they over paid me.... and yea its my fault but its theres also... so i will try to fight it... if i cant they will get like $5 a mth from me.... until they give up... lol... (i just have to laugh)... AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT... i am getting surgery done on my knee October 2nd.... so that just puts me back more for a while... but i will possibly get better in the long run... who knows... i am just fed up with a lot of shit... i knew somethin was goin to happen to me.... to get me down.... i was waiting for it... and it happened... =(

not sure of things

idk y someone feels like they can throw shit in my face about what happened in my life 4yrs ago or more... if i dont rub shit in ur face that u have done to me... then y the hell would u do that to me??... yes i know i fucked up in my life... i know it took me 2 shots to the head with a 9mm to make me change... i know that i had my aunt and uncle to fall back on... and now a boyfriend... but i tried to tell this person who knocked me down... that i was proud of her... i believed she was doin the right thing... the only thing she did wrong was be around ppl who r NO FUCKING GOOD!!.. y put urself around these ppl who will only bring u down??... i understand that she has no other person to fall back on when she needs a ride to work... or a place to rest her head in peace... but at the same time ... u have a job... u can get to work on time if u take the bus routes right... and if u REALLY WANT TO DO IT U WILL!!!... DO NOT FUCKIN TELL ME ANY DIFFRENT!!... i know what i am talken about.... I BEEN THRU HELL AND BACK... but i am maken a better life for myself... yes because i have help... but also i PROVED to the ones who r helping me now that i DESERVE their help... i am NOT who i was 4 yrs ago!!... and the shit i put u thru... NO REVERSE THAT... WHAT ABOUT ALL THE DAMN SHIT U PUT ME THRU????!!!!!.... this is somethin i been dealing with my whole life.. and i am gettin more tired of it as life goes on... and i am tryn to accomplish more in my life then i ever have or wanted to do... i am starting college (online) for myself at the end of this month... i am still with the same guy for almost 2 yrs in January... now he is a big part in my life... since i been with him... i have been a very diffrent person... i mean its funny how i actually changed for him... yea i fucked up once i got caught sending naked pix of myself to men... but i NEVER physically cheated on him... and i keep shit real with him as well.. i let him know what is on my mind... and what i hate but love at the same time is that he makes me talk to him when i dont want to... but i do ... lol... and when i tell him i get angry... i cry ... i let all of what i feel out... i lash out on what he does... i also scream about what my family does... and i hurt ppl... but at the same time... they KNOW I LOVE THEM... and i am not sayn those things to hurt them....

but anyways... yea.. talk about what i was sayn when i first started to write... i made a pact with that person to never bring up the past... we will see how well that lasts.. and i doubt that it will make a diffrence...

i tried to talk to a diffrent family member like a few weeks back... cuz some HIGH SCHOOL BULLSHIT .. OF HE SAID SHE SAID happend... and i was talken to her... and i was sayn how like there has to be a reason that i am still alive... and i think its to get my family back together... but i dont think that will happen.. my aunt like always has somethin negative to say about the one side of the family... but she is right with most things... i dont blame her... but sometimes u need to be in that persons shoes to know y they do what they do... i try to explain that... but its hard... and the only one that we really need to be there for on that side is my uncle her older brother... (i live with the younger brother)... so yea... i need to start calling that uncle more ... and gettin involved with him.. i cant help him financially... cuz i dont have it... (i been spending money like fuckin crazy).. i need to save it... i can buy him some gas in his jeep... i can get him cigs if he needs em... but i cant spend like 2700 on a electric bill... i cant buy 400 in groceries... his house needs to be cleaned... he has 4 daughters... u think they help?... NO they dont... and its wrong... one says well she dont do it... y should i??... and all this shit.. (sounds like me with the one i live with)... but its diffrent... cuz my place dont get that bad.. its too small for that shit... he has a house with like 2 floors... if they all worked together on things they can do it... but choose not too... i need to bring my grandma and great grandparents back from the dead to get this family back together... or get their spirit and strength in me to help... i need to start goin to church.. i need to continue what i am doin in my life now.. so that i can be someone in 5 yrs... and actually have the life i should have made 8yrs ago...